four hundred sixteen

8:07 AM  SATURDAY, JANUARY 13, 2018

EMERGENCY ALERT    

I was working Saturday morning. I started around 4:30 AM. I had already made some decent money shuttling Japanese tourists to catch a 6 AM direct flight to Tokyo. Now I was catching a few local fares and a few airport runs. 

I got a $40 airport run and as I was settling the fare I got another text from dispatch. It was a familiar run a young local who worked at one of the older hotels. 

As I was about to depart my phone displayed an emergency alert.

North Korea had been lobbing a few missiles over Japan for several months. He didn't seem to have the aiming thing working yet so my first thought was if a missile was fired it was only in our general direction, it's a very large ocean.

My other thought was it was a political game, remember who was president at the time. Negative was the news of the day, every day. I had learned to discount most of it as spin but this was from an official government agency, they would never lie would they?

Three thoughts went through my mind. Kim Jung Un has trouble hitting the Pacific ocean. It seemed too coincidental because it fit the news narrative and if it is true we are on an island where would we go?

I put my cab in drive and pulled away from the curb and  headed to my next fare. 

As I pulled away I saw people running, where to I have no idea. Others stared at their phones in confusion. As I drove I dialed my wife but no answer she must be away from her phone or napping.

I reached my destination and the young man was waiting and staring at his phone. He jumped in the back. I asked if he knew about the alert and he laughed. I laughed and asked if he still wanted to go to work?  He then said, "Oh do you think this is real?" I said, "not really."He then said, " I'm good."

As we drove we were noticing the stressed out drivers and frantic tourists.

The conversation was mostly humor but not the walking past the graveyard humor. It was the relaxed kind. 

He then said something profound, "It doesn't look like these people are ready." I asked, "Oh are you religious?" He said "No I'm a Christian." He didn't have to explain, I knew what he meant, I'm a Christian too. 

It seemed even at his young age he was sure where he stood with his Creator. I have the facts and information about where I stand with God but not always the feeling to go with it. This young man had a comfort I admired. I dropped him off and looked at my phone, it was a false alarm.

The day went on, the news did their usual spin and finger pointing. The denials, blaming and predictable "sources say" journalism went on as usual. 

I finally got through to my wife she missed the whole thing. 

I finished my shift around 5:30 PM most of the conversation was about the alert. The conversation that stuck in my head was that calm young man, he had something I wanted.

In the midst of a potential ballistic missile attack I was working the odds. I put my trust in the dishonesty of the media, the corruption and incompetence of government and the blustering incompetence of a tin pot dictator. 

The young man was putting his trust in God, not to be protected by Him but welcomed home by Him. That is the trust I want when this life ends for me. Funny how a little thing like a ballistic missile attack makes you think.

four hundred fifteen

IT BEGINS

I'm a 1950's "Boomer", our parents thought it was cute and harmless back then to let us take a sip of their beer or wine. A sip here and there wouldn't hurt and for the majority of kids this was true. But for a small group of us it was only the beginning of a long journey. 

I'm not saying it caused anything but somehow many years later it became part of our qualifying share at an AA meeting. 

My point isn't that these occasional sips caused our alcoholism, alcohol was going to find us or we were going to find it one way or another.  

It's an age old question like, what came first the chicken or the egg? Is sexual preference hard wired or a choice? Am I fat because of genes or do I just love food? Was I born an alcoholic or did I drink too much? 

For me the question of alcohol can be answered easily. I was a guy who drank and many times drank too much but I wasn't an alcoholic until I caught it at an AA meeting. 

This didn't happen at the first meeting I was only exposed, it had to incubate. It took a few more meetings to learn enough to diagnose myself even though it was obvious to everyone else in the room. The danger is getting exposed just enough to be vaccinated against catching the real thing. I was fortunate I got the full disease.

The first step was to admit I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable. No one could help me do this. They could tell me their story and teach me what each word and punctuation meant but I had to figure this one out on my own. 

For some it is a quick surrender but for others it is a real wrestling match. Fortunately I was half way there because I was pretty beat up and tired of the fight.

As I read the Big Book Of Alcoholics Anonymous the "Doctors Opinion" threw me a bone. I discovered it wasn't my fault I was the victim of a disease! I then made the mistake of bringing this up at my home group. 

One of my early mentors was grumpy Jim. He quickly pointed out with his AA logic "If you shit your pants because you ate bad food or it was just poor planning on your part, you still need to change your pants." I miss Jim and his blunt wisdom.

When did it start? What caused it? Who's fault was it? Was I born this way? All are valid questions but none of them really matter except one, what am I going to do about it? 

After that first step surrender and accepting Jim's wisdom I began the journey in earnest and haven't looked back. Blaming my past whether it is bad genes, bad people, tragic events, unfair circumstances or my own behavior will only  take me off of the path. 

I can sit in shit and ponder why, or I can change my pants.

four hundred fourteen

 Aegean Sea

A few years ago we visited nine Greek islands on a small cruise ship. The Aegean Sea was amazing. This was a typical sunset.

four hundred thirteen

EVEN ELMO'S WORLD SUCKS SOMETIMES

I know this is dark humor but I doubt I have any toddler readers. 

Elmo was a Muppet character on the children's television show Sesame Street. A furry red monster who spoke in a high-pitched falsetto voice and frequently referred to himself in the third person, he hosted the last full 15-minute segment on Sesame Street, "Elmo's World", which was aimed at toddlers.

I stumbled on this picture years ago. It is such an interesting contrast, a loved by countless children super star meets a tragic ending. If he were an actor or rock star it would be tragic but not unexpected. 

The pressures of his grueling schedule only to be kept in a box in between shows must have finally got to him. Not to mention the humiliating and degrading way he was forced to perform. 

No one heard his cry for help but always speaking in third person should have raised concerns. The irony is Elmo will not be missed because they made a dozen of him just incase one got lost, damaged  or stolen. This was Elmo's third unreported suicide.

Okay I got that out of my system... 

four hundred twelve

 

WOMEN WOULD BE AMAZED AT WHAT MEN TALK ABOUT WHEN THEY ARE ALONE.

I love men's groups, I attend three men's AA meetings per week. I do this for a couple of reasons. One is, I'm a man with testosterone coursing through my veins. Meetings can have twenty men and only one woman and every man in the room is distracted. 

I don't know if it is invisible pheromones that unconsciously effect us, our male nature to find a suitable mate or men are just competitive by nature. 

I don't think most women understand their power. However some do and willfully participate in this distraction. Either way I want a clear focused mind when I am around a group of men.

I have heard from women that all men talk about is how women are the problem. They encourage each other to control their women and give pointers on how to do it. 

Certainly there are men an groups of men that talk this trash but no real man actually believes this. There maybe jokes and bragging but these conversations are quickly dismissed.

If a man criticizes a woman it is usually out of confusion because to a man women are very confusing. This is the spice that makes this whole thing work. If men and women were alike we would be nesting all of the time or having sex all of the time. These differences give us frustration but they also give us balance.

The truth is most men feel inadequate. We don't feel like good husbands, good fathers, good friends or good men. We live in a world of posturing. We must be strong and confident so we act strong and confident. Most of us pull this off and live a life behind what we present to the world.

Men have rare opportunities like men's AA meetings to be honest about what is behind their mask. Opening up at these meetings takes time. A new person usually sits in amazement at what they hear. As men get more honest and trusting the truth comes out. Sometimes in tears but mostly in relief. These long kept secrets are welcomed by the group.

There is no judgment or criticism only words of encouragement and hugs. I'm not big on the hug thing but I'm coming around.

Stories of past mistakes, broken relationships with brothers, sisters and children are common. Loss of friends, parents, spouses and dogs bring tears to the room. These men are not showing weakness but strength.

Meetings always start with playful banter and teasing and end with playful banter and teasing. Between these these men have an hour of brutal honesty and truth. At times these are not easy truths they are straight foreword and blunt but men seem to respond to this, I know it works for me.

After years of this my secrets are less and less. What was shameful years ago are things I can now share freely. This helps other men let down their guard and be honest about their fears and short comings. 

Women communicate differently I make no claim to know what an all woman meeting is like. Mixed meetings are fine, I have learned a great deal from sober women. The magic that happens at men's meeting does not happen in other men's social meetings. 

Sports talk seems so empty now I want to talk about something real. As a man I have been fortunate to find this rare and special place. I'm sure this happens in other places and I know it happens one on one but a group of twenty or thirty men being honest and open is nothing short of a miracle.

four hundred eleven

I was born in 1951, we still had World War 1 veterans living in abandoned trolly cars much older than these. They were from a trolly system that we would today call light rail. They went through the city and to a few neighboring towns. You can still see remnants of the rail bed. 

Cars and busses became more common so they were abandoned in a yard in an industrial area by the main railroad tracks.

WW1 ended in 1918 so these men were 55 to 65 years old. I don't know the detailed history and don't personally know any of the men, this is just my experience as a young boy.

These men were a mystery to most people I think my father knew or at least talked with them. To a kid they looked scary. They were gas victims mostly according to my dad. They used mustard, chlorine and nerve gas in trench warfare, it was so horrible it was outlawed after the war as part of the Geneva Conventions.

I have never understood the purpose of this war and from what I have read most historians are confused too, but they sound real smart. One thing I do know all through history almost all nations treat their war veterans like crap.

I don't know why these men lived in these abandoned trolly cars but the city people respected them. 

These men were really messed up a couple had missing limbs and some had their nervous systems ruined. On the hottest days of summer one soldier would be dressed like it was sub zero weather. 

When we shopped for groceries my mother bought an extra something, a can of beans or salmon, a loaf of bread or coffee.  On the way home we would stop the car and one of us would leave it on the step out front.

A friend of mine's dad was a milk man. They delivered bottled milk house to house back then. On Saturday I would ride with them. I remember his dad stopping to drop off milk and cigarettes, then talk with one of them a few minutes. 

I never thought much about it back then it was no big deal it was just something people did.

Occasionally you may see a man my dad's age talking with one of the soldiers but they were mostly antisocial. 

I never thought much about it but the community supplied everything these men needed. One day as we were driving by I saw my doctor leaving with his black bag. In those days doctors did house calls so I knew what it was. 

As I grew older I discovered cars and girls so I didn't think much about those men. I assume the help and respect continued without fan fair. 

I do remember every parade had the local VFW carrying the flags. They would march in uniform with their prominent beer bellies and one WW1 Veteran  would march in uniform with them. People stood and men took their hats off back then.

It may have been what small towns did back then but I believe it still goes on in large and small towns and like always it is done in secret. 

There are bad people but there are far more good people. They do acts of kindness without recognition just because it is the right thing to do. 

four hundred ten

Every news cycle there are countless references to our rights, independence, sovereignty, freedoms and democracy. Unfortunately these have been weaponized, freedom of speech depends on who is speaking and our rights have morphed into cradle to grave entitlements. 

Politicians claim our human rights to free housing,  free utilities, free health care, free food, free clothing, free transportation and free entertainment but never mention accountability. 

Claiming and expanding freedoms without responsibility or accountability is now the norm. Any mention of these will brand you an uncaring privileged racist and every kind of  _____phobe (fill in the blank).

These attitudes are not new they have always been used to sway voters and gain power. Please don't assume my politics, no party has clean hands. Buying votes and corruption have been around from the beginning and will be as long as they still work.

Freewill has been given to every one of us along with accountability. No matter what some man or woman with a fancy title tells us or what they give us we are always accountable for our actions.

Governments that still have at least a little respect for their citizens must still convince them to give their consent or votes. Yes there is an effort to bypass this but so far we still have elections. 

John Adams said "Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other." 

The idea that our rights come from God is fundamental. Today we have heard our elected officials mock this idea. I have asked students that questions each year I heard more of them say our rights come from government. This I believe is by design.

The more people trust governments for rights, the more they become slaves to those governments. The rush to purge all religion from schools and government is obvious. "Organized religion" has been demonized for simply pointing out our rights come from God. Theocrats, bigots, racists, nationalists, exclusionist and worse are an immediate reaction to any mention of accountability. 

They say they can be moral, more generous and caring without God, but they set their own standards to measure these and are only accountable to themselves. 

Religious people look to God for standards and understand they are accountable to Him.

Marquis De Sade is an extreme example. His philosophy was, if there is no God I am only accountable to myself. I can use my freewill the way I choose without consequence. Hitler, Stallon, Mao and every mass murderer and serial killer used their freewill. 

Yes these are extremes but we must admit respect for human life has been shifting. Attitudes toward the homeless, mentally ill, the elderly and those not yet born have slowly been rationalized. If there is no standards or guard rails this is inevitable.

God gave us all freewill with just one string, accountability. Ironically those who deny him the most blame him for humans using their freewill to do horrible things. Imagine how it hurts Him to watch.

I can't think of anything more selfish then to take this gift so lightly. As a Christian I believe in the God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob and put my faith in the promises of Jesus Christ.

I believe in an all seeing all knowing God. I also believe God is love. I also believe I have a purpose beyond my own self interests. There is my will and God's will and I have the freedom to choose.

What is God's will? There are endless books written and a multitudes of opinions, I believe this:

1 Timothy 2:3

"This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and come to a knowledge of the truth. "

This may be over simplified but it works for me. Anything I do or say can be judged by this standard. Is it helping others become more interested in God or does it repel them? 

This doesn't require us to be preachers on the contrary others see God when we are at our worst sometimes. How we react to unfairness, grief and suffering. In our weakness God can be seen more clearly. Willingness and honesty are a powerful testimony.

I do come from a place of gratitude because God saved me first in 1980 from my sins then in 1990 from the clutches of alcohol. I received His Spirit then drank with Him and finally aligned myself with His will. I am forever grateful He was faithful to his word and did not abandon me.

Governments will do what they do and with enough people they can do great or horrible things. However every individual has a choice to do God's will or reject it and follow their own self interests. 

This flesh and blood life is limited. These suits we wear to stay in this dimension will eventually wear out and we will have to go. I believe there is something beyond this life. I have seen and felt God's mercy, love and faithfulness I know what He says is true. 

The draw to intellectualize everything can become a distraction from a simple truth there is a God and it isn't you or me. Use your freewill wisely.

four hundred nine

 

YOU CAN'T WIN IF YOU DON'T PLAY!

I grew up in Ohio, we were one of the first states to have a state lottery. We had scratch tickets the daily three and four digit numbers plus plenty of illegal gambling. Youngstown had plenty of gambling because it was known as a "mob town", the 50's and 60's were particularly violent. 

In the early 70's a state lottery was proposed. At first it was resisted but soon I personally think the mob found a way to share in the joy of giving, after all it was for the children. 

As it was fast tracked through the legislature. I remember television ads displaying children receiving needed funds to improve their education. Every one seemed to be on board because the opposition was silenced or ridiculed, sound familiar? 

Soon the daily numbers, scratch tickets and more and more games appeared. The weekly numbers were a feature on television. The winners were paraded on television receiving giant checks. Mullets must bring good luck, go Terry.

I remember discussions in the work break room about what the first thing they would do if they won. Must revealed their plan to tender their resignation with a colorful speech. Others a new house, car, boat, trip around the world or all of the above.

If there was a particularly large pot there was usually an effort to increase the odds by pooling money. If all seventy five employees bought in it would increase the odds by .0001%.  

The conversations about how they would spend the money became more and more charitable. They would help the poor, save the puppies and purchase world peace. I guess God listens and picks the most virtuous person to win. The truth is if you are a poor asshole you will probably be a rich asshole. Money only magnifies who you are.

Lottery winners rarely fair well, even the people who really needed the money end up broke in three years. 

I noticed how people changed how they viewed the lottery particularly the poor communities. It wasn't "if" they win it became "when" they win, it became a retirement plan. 

I have gambled in the past but betting on my skill with a pool stick is different then betting on random numbers. I don't do either anymore.

The point of this post is the opposite, you can't lose if you don't play. Unfortunately I lived by that philosophy. Competitive team sports interested me but after a few losses I quit trying. I then played safe and never lost, but I never won either. I turned inward and lived in the background. 

I acted like I didn't care about winning but the truth is I was afraid of losing. I admire the risk takers and still do but I chose to become the crazy loaner. 

I drove crazier and would do anything on a dare. It wasn't for attention in fact the craziest things I did I dared myself and no one ever knew about it. I had a few guys I hung out with but they were crazy loners too. We weren't afraid of anything except losing. Every weekend was a new near death experience to fuel our need for adrenaline.

We had no interest in being popular or winning awards. Of the maybe five guys I did crazy with no one had more then one picture in the High School year book, no sports team, clubs or musical groups. I know one snuck "the bird" past the editors.

I did certainly have fun, I liked being a smart ass that got me into fights but I wasn't good I usually got my butt kicked. However I was hard to beat because I always had the last laugh. No I didn't win I laughed while I was fixing my broken nose. Fighting in those days was different it made you feel alive. 

I masked losing with an I don't care attitude. Looking back I could have made a better plan but I didn't have a mentor. 

Now at 74 I could have made better choices and done more winning but looking back I agree with Joe Walsh "Life's been good to me so far".

I love watching championship playoffs, not so much for the game but the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. I watch the celebration and the pain of defeat and admire all of it. All I know is risking public recognition or public shame takes balls.

I also admire bold risk takers, people with tattoos on their face, the guy who preaches Jesus saves while dragging around a giant cross and the guy who spends his retirement money restoring a muscle car. They all live bold and without apologies. They aren't waiting for a winning ticket to finally start living they just live life at "11" without a net!