three hundred seventy five

 It's simple, just lay down, go to sleep and stay asleep.

WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT?

I had very little trouble sleeping when I was on my bicycle trips. Once I found a safe place to camp I was so exhausted all I had to do was crawl in my tent, closed my eyes and I was out for the night.

Occasionally I did some nocturnal eating because of my bodies craving for calories. Waking up surrounded by Pop-Tart wrappers or an empty jar of peanut butter I didn't remember eating was a common occurrence.

A safe place meant I had permission to camp. Waiting with one eye open for the local police or sheriff to discover me was a  definite distraction. I did have a few police encounters without incident. I had permission, usually written that quickly satisfied the police.

I camped where it was not too public but not too private. Public enough people will notice me but not so public I bother people. Private enough to have peace and quiet but not private enough they won't find my body for a month. 

Animals didn't worry me but people are another thing. I do not carry a weapon other then some pepper spray for an aggressive dog but I have never needed it. If I find a place to camp where I need a gun to feel safe I keep riding until I find a place I won't need one. 

I am a great fan of the bluff so I love the fact that I could possibly be armed. Because of this deterrent people will think twice about screwing with some nomad on a bicycle. 

The difficulty of crossing international borders with a weapon, the confusing state laws and telling a policeman in the middle of the night that I have a gun would up the stress level. I'll stick with my standard of camping only when I have permission and my well honed bluffing skills.

I refuse to be afraid of the world. I do not blindly trust but any adventure has an element of risk, be it riding a bicycle across the country or to the local grocery store. In the past twenty years I have had my motel room robbed, was pick pocketed in Athens Greece and had my car broken into in San Francisco but every other day nothing happened.

Being at peace with the owner and operator of the universe is the main reason I sleep soundly. That nagging small voice once kept me awake but now no matter where I am I feel loved and safe. We live in a world that is evil and dangerous but the worse that can happen is my body can die, but like Snoopy says "...on all the other days, we will not". Living in worry, guilt and fear is barely living and in a way that is like dying a little everyday.

I'm like an old dog I sleep better in my safe place. Dogs think in terms of territory so their sleeping spots are important. If you ever watched an old dog arranging their bedding it may make no sense to you but it makes sense to the dog.

Humans have a similar ritual because having the right mattress, sheets, pillows, lighting, temperature, pajamas, no pajamas, music or total silence, are all personal choices. The most important thing is to organize the things going on in our heads. 

The "coulda shoulda woulda" voices were the worse. These need to be silenced before bed, they are with us all day but in silence they get louder and louder. Make a list and a plan, move forward to resolve the issue even if it's one small step, take immediate action or put it in perspective. 

I need things in order, I clean the kitchen, balance my check book, do a walk-through checking the windows and doors, burners on the stove, car locks and so on. I do a mental check called an AA tenth step, I take a personal inventory of my actions to see if I need to make an amends. At the same time I get my relationship with God into perspective. After I successfully do these things I can sleep like a baby.

Sleep aids can help on a redeye flight but finding your safe place, having a working action plan, your things in order, resolved resentments and guilt and being at peace with your creator is much much better.

This all takes time and yes sleeping was elusive for many years of my life. I now value sleep more then my bicycle or maybe olives if you know me well.

three hundred seventy four

IS JESUS A LIAR, LUNATIC OR LORD?

On March 31, 1980 I became a new Christian. I will admit in the beginning my faith was based on other people's faith. I heard how empty their lives had been, I heard what actions they took and I heard how full their lives are now. This was what I wanted because my life was a mess. At first it was emotional and exciting but I was told this type of faith is fleeting and fragile.

At 12:30 AM on that Monday I had stepped into the water, said the words I was told to say and enjoyed the rejoicing of my new church family. At first I thought I simply needed to be baptized, attend services regularly, pray with my eyes closed, read my Bible, take communion, sing, not smoke, drink in excess or swear. 

The Bible was hard to read and made no sense, I hate singing, I still smoked, swore a little and couldn't drink in moderation. The worst thing was I didn't understand why it was such a big deal that Jesus was killed on a cross. I was desperate to have my life fixed but I soon learned it wasn't that simple. The one thing I did have going for me was my hunger to learn. 

After I was baptized I knew I was different. The hypocrites I had judged became real people like me, my hate for them was turning into love. I began to see, hear and understand things that had always been right in front of me. My hunger for information grew but I didn't know where to start so I tried everything. 

Each day I stumbled through a chapter of my King James Bible in my car at lunch, listened to preachers and Christian music on the ride to and from work and wanted to talk about it with everyone. I soon found not everyone wants to talk about the big questions. Every time the church had a service, Bible study or activity, I was there asking questions. I know I drove people crazy but I had a hunger to learn like I had never had before.

I thought every church and church member were on the same page. As I talked with people from other congregations and denominations I found division, disagreement, tribalism and even hatred. I may have been naive in the beginning but I soon discovered I had a heart for healing these divisions. This has been a personal passion to find common ground and that common ground is Jesus. 

I felt I had been added to something much bigger then the name on the front of a church. When I read the book of Acts I could not see more then one church. The oldest, largest, fastest growing or most traditional meant nothing to me, perhaps I had been influenced by the Jesus movement from the early 70's. We were a rebellious and passionate generation so the approach I took to my faith was all in.

Tom Smith was a man that I gravitated to, he smoked, occasionally used swear words to make a point and knew he couldn't drink in moderation so he didn't. He served in the Navy, worked in a steel mill, only read King James, loved to debate and spoke in a way that made sense to me. Tom died way too soon but I know I will see him again but for now I miss him.

Tom taught me how to pray, question everything and not to sweat the small stuff. He spoke in simple words, enjoyed God's sense of humor, always had a grin on his face and danced when he was happy. I spent plenty of summer nights sitting with him outside watching the distant heat lightning and talking about life.

Tom knew how to explain things in a way I could understand. He boiled it all down to one simple question, who do you say Jesus is?

This t-shirt was popular in the 80's I had one and wore it often.  Today you can buy one on Ebay for $750, I should have bought a few more.

He said that is the one question that demands an answer. It was the question Jesus asked Peter, "Who do you say I am?" (Mathew 15). 

He said Jesus won't ask to see a membership card, baptismal certificate or hear a denominational creed. He will ask me that question and expect my answer, not just blindly parroting what a church, denomination or clergyman said. He told me I need to know what I believe and why I believe it. I needed to have my own answers.  

Over the decades I have found many Christians are loyal to a catechism, doctrine or a denominational brandname. It may be correct but we all are responsible to give an answer for our faith and hope. If our relationship with Jesus is personal, we will be different and when we are asked we need to know how to explain what has happened. Tom said he would always be there for me but I need to stand on my own. 

It took many years and the understanding of covenant to clearly realize what I had done. I read, listened and questioned everything. There were many times I could have signed on to follow a strong charismatic personality of which there are many, but I chose not to ever stop my quest for the truth and just settle. 

I am all in, I really want to know the truth so nothing can be off the table. I checked out the missing books of the Bible, all of the different translations and their reliability, other doctrines and the history of the church warts and all. I read anti Christian books, followed archeology, astronomy and the latest scientific discoveries. I examined other religions, evolution, Darwinism, atheism. I attended large city mega churches, small rural churches, bus ministries, men's groups, preaching, teaching and mission work.

I learned a lot about organized people. The same dynamics that effect any large or small organization be it business or political, church organizations have similar issues. I also found the world is not black and white, there is a great deal of gray especially in the Bible. I also realized I was responsible to navigate that gray using God's principles and my free will.

It is easy to attach ourselves to "group think" because using our free will puts us on the spot. We may form groups of people who believe the same thing but in a church each individual is responsible to know what they believe. 

After decades of investigation I discovered Tom was right. After all of the debate it all boils down to one haunting question; who is Jesus? There is no question that Jesus was a historical figure but who was he? Was he a great teacher, was he a conman, was he crazy or was he who he said he was? 

I have shared my answer before but this post is about challenging you to answer that question for yourself. First ask yourself if you want to know the truth. I know this is a hard question but it is the only question that matters. I can only share my answer, you have to answer it for yourself. Who is Jesus, a liar, lunatic or Lord?

Reject him as a conman, mock him as a fool or minimize him as a great teacher, but I believe Jesus is who he says he is. 

three hundred ninety two

TURTLES ARE CUTE...

....SOME TURTLES

When I was a kid we lived within walking distance of a small private lake. There was a small creek with plenty of frogs, crayfish, snakes and turtles. This was a perfect place for a boy to have some great adventures. 

I have an older brother who was an avid outdoorsman. He was the kid who could not only find critters but he could get them to eat out of his hand. After he moved out I inherited his traps. 

He did hunt but mostly he trapped muskrats for the pelts. He didn't teach me much about it because of our seven year age difference, I was his dumb little brother. I guess this is normal but sadly it's still the same even though we are both in out seventies.

I learned everything on my own by trial and error and became good at it. I know it is a gruesome activity but I did it as humanely as possible.

They resembled a large rat and I got up to $7 for a perfect pelt. They were used for elegant fur clothing but they labeled them "water mink" or "river mink", I guess a word with "rat" in it wasn't good for marketing. 

I quit using foot traps and expanded my trap line to around forty Conibear traps that are more humane. The bottom fell out of the fur market for some reason so I hung up my traps.

The muskrat population grew in spite of my small enterprise, they multiplied like rabbits. 

I ran turtle lines for a while because turtle meat was selling for $5 a pound because it is a Japanese delicacy. Turtle soup is also a redneck delicacy but most people caught their own. 

I had a great uncle who hunted snapping turtles. Turtles are cold blooded so if they are cold they can barely move. The ground temperature in Ohio is an average of 52 F and turtles stop moving at 45 F. They hibernate in the mud banks of streams and rivers. My uncle would reach up into the roots and mud feeling for sleeping turtles. 

He would pull them out bare handed and throw them up on the bank so I could put them in a burlap bag and hang it from a tree. They were all snapping turtles the meanest turtle I have ever seen. The warmer they get the faster they cam move. Watching one of these monsters run across a hot paved road will make you rethink the rabbit and turtle race.

They have long legs, long claws, a surprisingly long neck and a powerful beak. They can snap their beak in anger which gives them their name. You see people picking up turtles by the shell safely but not these creatures.  

I know this sounds brutal to todays more sensitive animal protein consumers. I have never enjoyed hunting but I have cut up plenty of wild game, mostly deer. Deer hunting had a short season so I could make some cash.

Fishing never interested me but living in trout country I have the time to give it a try. On my trips around the country and growing up in the country, I saw a lot of hunting and fishing. It is a sport I understand and see the need for but I don't enjoy hunting and I don't like the taste of wild game.

The business I was in for forty years involved the slaughter and production of animals. The average person has a naive understanding of meat production. They grieve when they find a dead sparrow but they consume an average of 100 pounds of chicken per year. 

Many cultures eat meat and a few do not. Telling people they must consume animal protein or wear leather is just as wrong as telling people they can't.

The best steak I have ever had was a rib eye at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. I cleaned up, put on my best behavior and was taken there by a special friend. This place had table cloths, real silverware and linen napkins. I can behave in public given the right motivation. 

Everything was a la carte, a baked potato was $9 and the steak was $45, that was twenty years ago. The food was as amazing as my company, I am grateful for such a luxurious gift.

Eat meat or wear leather but realize these animals were raised and processed by hard working people. Whether the animals were raised for food or they are from the wild always be grateful because they come from God.

Genesis 9:3 "Everything that lives and moves will be food....."

three hundred ninety three

 CAVE DWELLING

I'm by nature a cave dweller. In other words I'm an average guy with testosterone coursing through my veins. This makes me physically strong and aggressive with a need to defend, conquer and reproduce. 

I have a natural fight or flight instinct, a tough stoic exterior and a vigilant awareness of the danger around me.

There is a movement today to distort what it means to be a man. Over the decades young men and women have lost positive male roll models. Strong men of noble character who live by a code are rarely portrayed in a positive light. Personal responsibility, hard work, self sacrifice, chivalry, acts of courage, honoring an oath and an inflexible sense of right and wrong are no longer valued and often viewed as foolish and old fashioned. 

Many young men today have been raised in a world that ignores any need for this type of masculinity. Because of this many young men take the path of least resistance and remain feminized game playing little boys living in their parents basement. 

Fortunately I've been fully grown for a long time so I got the full dose of toxic masculinity. 

One characteristic of a cave dweller is their need to dwell in a cave. There are plenty of lava tube caves in central Oregon but not enough for everyone. Modern man has adjusted to utilizing garages, basements, spare rooms, campers, boats, motorcycles, lawn mowers, cars, trucks and the great outdoors.

These are places a man can completely relax. They can turn off their constant vigilance alarm because it is a safe place. They are in total control of the environment. The temperature, lighting, furnishings, cleanliness, media and etc. 

They may establish these private places under the guise of vital work or a hobby. The activity can be productive, fiddling or just hanging out.

Many men hide in their cave's from responsibility which is totally wrong but all men need a safe place to brood, think and relax, we do our best thinking there. We dream, make decisions or immerse ourselves in a hobby. 

If a woman wants to really know a man ask him if he would let her into his cave. If he does ask you in, sit quietly and look around. Do not offer suggestions or criticisms, he is showing you his most private and protected place. Honor this act of intimacy because this is more special then even he realizes. 

A wise woman will honor the privacy of a man's cave. Moving tools or snooping is a real violation. He may not say anything but trust me he feels violated and he may relocate his cave. 

I have heard women say "I always look through my husbands stuff, If he has nothing to hide it shouldn't matter." This can be true but if he is going to hide something he will just hide it somewhere else. Cave's are harmless, the vast majority of cave dwelling men it is no more then a place he feels safe.

The down side of this is isolation. Too much cave time can be bad for a relationship and the family. Preoccupation with a hobby will cause problems. Regular cave time is vital for a fully functioning hunter gatherer protector and lover man, but too much is too much, everyone must find that balance.

Another type of harmful isolation is being alone. Most men have a problem connecting with other cave dwellers. Being social today is easy to ignore. Other then the military, law enforcement and heavy industry men rarely share a life threatening situation. These experiences tend to bond men for life. Today joining a bowling or golf league, following a sports team or being a member of a men's social club does not come close to the same level of bonding. 

Most men find it difficult to make longterm friends. I admire men who have a close friendship and share a passion for a hobby, that has been the most difficult thing for me to do. I often think it is me but the older I get the more I see it is hard for most men. 

 

Hanging out with other men is difficult. Asking a guy out for a meal or coffee is sometimes awkward. Are you selling me something, do you need to borrow my truck or are you cruising me? Fortunately I am involved in a men's 12 step program. Asking another man out for coffee or a meal is very normal. 

There are meetings with women but they are distracting. Don't get me wrong, I have gained great wisdom from women but a room full of cave dwelling men meeting in a common cave has a powerful effect. Like the more dangerous occupations keeping each other sober is a matter of life and death.

It takes time for a new member to understand how special this is. The longtime members are comfortable sharing their deepest fears, shortcomings, secrets and insecurities along with their hopes, dreams and gratitude. The love in the room is spoken freely because we have grown to trust each other. Handshakes, hugs, tears and loving harassment are common, but the currency of honesty is more precious then gold. Sharing a common cave with other men helps us become better men. 

Sure there are other places men can meet for immature frat house behavior but that kind of behavior doesn't lead to good results. A softball league, bowling league or car club can build male relationships which is good but the nature of a men's AA meeting is different. It is a focused and serious scheduled hour of real conversation couched between wise cracks, loving insults and yes more serious conversation.

The point of this blog is to share my adventures. I found family in AA meetings along my journey. I also found other "normal" men to connect with. I'm pretty good at skipping the small talk and going for a real conversation. I have been told I have that skill. I credit this to over 30 years of AA meetings. 

The bicycle was always a great conversation starter and my years in retail and cab driving gave me the gift of gab. AA has given me an appetite for  meaningful conversations. Understanding that men are cave dwellers gave me an insight that was invaluable.

I know a lot about being a man because I am one. Women on the other hand are amazing and mysterious. Men are basic but women are wonderfully complex. I could write a lot of BS about what I have learned about women, but by the time I post, everything would have changed.

I look forward to continuing my adventures into places and people in my cave. Yes my bicycle is my mobile cave........