CAVE DWELLING
I have a natural fight or flight instinct, a tough stoic exterior and a vigilant awareness of the danger around me.
There is a movement today to distort what it means to be a man. Over the decades young men and women have lost positive male roll models. Strong men of noble character who live by a code are rarely portrayed in a positive light. Personal responsibility, hard work, self sacrifice, chivalry, acts of courage, honoring an oath and an inflexible sense of right and wrong are no longer valued and often viewed as foolish and old fashioned.
Many young men today have been raised in a world that ignores any need for this type of masculinity. Because of this many young men take the path of least resistance and remain feminized game playing little boys living in their parents basement.
Fortunately I've been fully grown for a long time so I got the full dose of toxic masculinity.
One characteristic of a cave dweller is their need to dwell in a cave. There are plenty of lava tube caves in central Oregon but not enough for everyone. Modern man has adjusted to utilizing garages, basements, spare rooms, campers, boats, motorcycles, lawn mowers, cars, trucks and the great outdoors.
These are places a man can completely relax. They can turn off their constant vigilance alarm because it is a safe place. They are in total control of the environment. The temperature, lighting, furnishings, cleanliness, media and etc.
They may establish these private places under the guise of vital work or a hobby. The activity can be productive, fiddling or just hanging out.
Many men hide in their cave's from responsibility which is totally wrong but all men need a safe place to brood, think and relax, we do our best thinking there. We dream, make decisions or immerse ourselves in a hobby.
If a woman wants to really know a man ask him if he would let her into his cave. If he does ask you in, sit quietly and look around. Do not offer suggestions or criticisms, he is showing you his most private and protected place. Honor this act of intimacy because this is more special then even he realizes.
A wise woman will honor the privacy of a man's cave. Moving tools or snooping is a real violation. He may not say anything but trust me he feels violated and he may relocate his cave.
I have heard women say "I always look through my husbands stuff, If he has nothing to hide it shouldn't matter." This can be true but if he is going to hide something he will just hide it somewhere else. Cave's are harmless, the vast majority of cave dwelling men it is no more then a place he feels safe.
The down side of this is isolation. Too much cave time can be bad for a relationship and the family. Preoccupation with a hobby will cause problems. Regular cave time is vital for a fully functioning hunter gatherer protector and lover man, but too much is too much, everyone must find that balance.
Another type of harmful isolation is being alone. Most men have a problem connecting with other cave dwellers. Being social today is easy to ignore. Other then the military, law enforcement and heavy industry men rarely share a life threatening situation. These experiences tend to bond men for life. Today joining a bowling or golf league, following a sports team or being a member of a men's social club does not come close to the same level of bonding.
Most men find it difficult to make longterm friends. I admire men who have a close friendship and share a passion for a hobby, that has been the most difficult thing for me to do. I often think it is me but the older I get the more I see it is hard for most men.
Hanging out with other men is difficult. Asking a guy out for a meal or coffee is sometimes awkward. Are you selling me something, do you need to borrow my truck or are you cruising me? Fortunately I am involved in a men's 12 step program. Asking another man out for coffee or a meal is very normal.
There are meetings with women but they are distracting. Don't get me wrong, I have gained great wisdom from women but a room full of cave dwelling men meeting in a common cave has a powerful effect. Like the more dangerous occupations keeping each other sober is a matter of life and death.
It takes time for a new member to understand how special this is. The longtime members are comfortable sharing their deepest fears, shortcomings, secrets and insecurities along with their hopes, dreams and gratitude. The love in the room is spoken freely because we have grown to trust each other. Handshakes, hugs, tears and loving harassment are common, but the currency of honesty is more precious then gold. Sharing a common cave with other men helps us become better men.
Sure there are other places men can meet for immature frat house behavior but that kind of behavior doesn't lead to good results. A softball league, bowling league or car club can build male relationships which is good but the nature of a men's AA meeting is different. It is a focused and serious scheduled hour of real conversation couched between wise cracks, loving insults and yes more serious conversation.
The point of this blog is to share my adventures. I found family in AA meetings along my journey. I also found other "normal" men to connect with. I'm pretty good at skipping the small talk and going for a real conversation. I have been told I have that skill. I credit this to over 30 years of AA meetings.
The bicycle was always a great conversation starter and my years in retail and cab driving gave me the gift of gab. AA has given me an appetite for meaningful conversations. Understanding that men are cave dwellers gave me an insight that was invaluable.
I know a lot about being a man because I am one. Women on the other hand are amazing and mysterious. Men are basic but women are wonderfully complex. I could write a lot of BS about what I have learned about women, but by the time I post, everything would have changed.
I look forward to continuing my adventures into places and people in my cave. Yes my bicycle is my mobile cave........
