Ecclesiastes 3:7
“There is a time to be silent and a time to speak"
THE ART OF BEING A LONER
I often hear about the negative emotional effects of being a loner. I think this is because there is a focus on the effects of loneliness and not the actual nature of a loner. I have been told many times I spend an unhealthy amount of time alone so I have wrestled with this criticism for a very long time.
Being lonely is an emotion everyone experiences and some experience this more then others. Some need to be surrounded by people every minute of the day but others find this suffocating and prefer being alone. The question is how much alone time is too much?
Let's be honest people are complicated, they take our energy. We must listen to them, see them, talk with them and consider their opinions, needs and feelings. In exchange they give us their energy by seeing us, listening to us, talking with us and consider our opinions, needs and feelings.
Sounds simple but this simple transaction can be either nurturing and positive or an emotionally draining experience. Rarely do these interactions go as planned but navigating this emotional risk and reward game is the price of being a socially healthy human.
The question I ask is how much human interaction do people really need or how much can they do without? I believe men and women have different needs. I won't waste your time attempting to explain a woman's needs but as a man I do know a little about men.
A loner personality is characterized by a preference for solitude, independence, and introspection, finding satisfaction in their own company and inner world rather than constant social interaction, though this varies from being an introvert (who recharges alone) to an intentional loner (who dislikes people) or an unintentional one (due to isolation), I have been all three.
Key traits include self-reliance, valuing personal experience over external validation, and a tendency to form independent opinions, often enjoying peace in silence and feeling overwhelmed by large crowds.
To keep these in balance I attend men's AA meetings or what I call "forced socialization". Don't get me wrong I love and care about all of these men but even though there are times I find these meetings suffocating but I go anyway. Isolation is a common trait in these men and is a dangerous place for an alcoholic. So this is one place I hear about the downside of loneliness. I will admit afterward I am usually happy I went.
Defining what loneliness actually is is important. Some people have no sense or belief in a God or what some call a higher power. This limits their options to flesh and blood people or pets. Pets are awesome but pets are designed to love us unconditionally but they are not people. Pets help but it is not the same.
Many use the word spirituality to avoid organized religion. They use nature, a force or energy as a companion but in my opinion there is still something missing.
The God of my understanding is Jesus, this is very common in the rooms of AA but not to offend others we use the generic term "Higher Power".
On April 1, 1980 I was baptized and according to the scriptures I received the Holy Spirit. Jesus told his disciples he would send his Spirit that is exactly like him to live with and in us. I only had a "mustard seed" faith that this was true.
I did not speak in tongues, see a burning bush or a flash of light, I just did what Peter said.
Acts 2:38 "Peter replied, 'Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit'"
All I know is from that moment on I have never been alone.
The thought of God's Spirit living inside me has always been a mystery as it should be. Jesus is not my spiritual buddy or score keeping hall monitor he is my mentor, teacher and honest friend. He loves me, is honest with me and expects me to do my best.
Shamefully I have abused this relationship by choosing to drink for many years but he never abandoned me, he waited patiently until I turned back to him. This is the proof I needed to really know he is here living inside of me.
Today the loner thing is not to hide from the world, it is to travel through this world doing his will. No I'm not a preacher or evangelist I just share the good news when ever it fits.
Some plant seeds, some water them and some harvest. I have never been burdened by having to see proof of my efforts. I talk to people in my travels and do not hide the Spirit that lives in me. I figure if God is changing me I should not hide it.
People see me warts and all but they also see God working in my life. If they ask I tell them about it. God's will is simply drawing people closer to God and not pushing them away.
I have ridden a bicycle 14000 miles alone and have back packed into the most remote deserts for days on end simply because I love the solitude. Some people can't imagine being alone hundreds or thousands of miles away from home with only their wits and a bicycle but truthfully I am never really alone.
There have been long conversations with God that last for hours and sometimes days, people would think I was crazy if they heard me. Now that I write this I really can't call myself a loner, perhaps I have answered my own age old question.
I do need people in my life but I also need God. If I have no God in my life all I have is people. I know there is probably a proper balance but it may simply be another one of those freewill choices God gives us.
I have an urge to wander alone but many people think it is foolish, unsafe or crazy. I have a passion or curiosity to see what is over the next hill and around the next corner. At seventy four this passion has never been fully satisfied.
I may be away from people but in this solitude I grow closer and closer to my God who lives in my heart.
Every news cycle there are countless references to our rights, independence, sovereignty, freedoms and democracy. Unfortunately these have been weaponized, freedom of speech depends on who is speaking and our rights have morphed into cradle to grave entitlements.
Politicians claim our human rights to free housing, free utilities, free health care, free food, free clothing, free transportation and free entertainment but never mention accountability.
Claiming and expanding freedoms without responsibility or accountability is now the norm. Any mention of these will brand you an uncaring privileged racist and every kind of _____phobe (fill in the blank).
These attitudes are not new they have always been used to sway voters and gain power. Please don't assume my politics, no party has clean hands. Buying votes and corruption have been around from the beginning and will be as long as they still work.
Freewill has been given to every one of us along with accountability. No matter what some man or woman with a fancy title tells us or what they give us we are always accountable for our actions.
Governments that still have at least a little respect for their citizens must still convince them to give their consent or votes. Yes there is an effort to bypass this but so far we still have elections.
John Adams said "Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other."
The idea that our rights come from God is fundamental. Today we have heard our elected officials mock this idea. I have asked students that questions each year I heard more of them say our rights come from government. This I believe is by design.
The more people trust governments for rights, the more they become slaves to those governments. The rush to purge all religion from schools and government is obvious. "Organized religion" has been demonized for simply pointing out our rights come from God. Theocrats, bigots, racists, nationalists, exclusionist and worse are an immediate reaction to any mention of accountability.
They say they can be moral, more generous and caring without God, but they set their own standards to measure these and are only accountable to themselves.
Religious people look to God for standards and understand they are accountable to Him.
Marquis De Sade is an extreme example. His philosophy was, if there is no God I am only accountable to myself. I can use my freewill the way I choose without consequence. Hitler, Stallon, Mao and every mass murderer and serial killer used their freewill.
Yes these are extremes but we must admit respect for human life has been shifting. Attitudes toward the homeless, mentally ill, the elderly and those not yet born have slowly been rationalized. If there is no standards or guard rails this is inevitable.
God gave us all freewill with just one string, accountability. Ironically those who deny him the most blame him for humans using their freewill to do horrible things. Imagine how it hurts Him to watch.
I can't think of anything more selfish then to take this gift so lightly. As a Christian I believe in the God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob and put my faith in the promises of Jesus Christ.
I believe in an all seeing all knowing God. I also believe God is love. I also believe I have a purpose beyond my own self interests. There is my will and God's will and I have the freedom to choose.
What is God's will? There are endless books written and a multitudes of opinions, I believe this:
1 Timothy 2:3
"This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and come to a knowledge of the truth. "
This may be over simplified but it works for me. Anything I do or say can be judged by this standard. Is it helping others become more interested in God or does it repel them?
This doesn't require us to be preachers on the contrary others see God when we are at our worst sometimes. How we react to unfairness, grief and suffering. In our weakness God can be seen more clearly. Willingness and honesty are a powerful testimony.
I do come from a place of gratitude because God saved me first in 1980 from my sins then in 1990 from the clutches of alcohol. I received His Spirit then drank with Him and finally aligned myself with His will. I am forever grateful He was faithful to his word and did not abandon me.
Governments will do what they do and with enough people they can do great or horrible things. However every individual has a choice to do God's will or reject it and follow their own self interests.
This flesh and blood life is limited. These suits we wear to stay in this dimension will eventually wear out and we will have to go. I believe there is something beyond this life. I have seen and felt God's mercy, love and faithfulness I know what He says is true.
The draw to intellectualize everything can become a distraction from a simple truth there is a God and it isn't you or me. Use your freewill wisely.
Manipulation is my unfortunate super power. It has served me well for many years, or so I thought.
I was a ten month baby, weighed ten pounds, had four chins, long black hair and a pleasant disposition. I didn't walk until I was fifteen months old, in fact my mother asked the doctor if there was something wrong.
He examined me and said I was healthy, then asked her several questions. He said it seems he gets what he wants without walking, stop letting him control you. My mother probably tried but I was just so cuddly and cute.
I did however have an odd personality. Other then a few undiscovered learning disorders I frustrated my parents because I was almost impossible to discipline. I wasn't an overtly rebellious child, I was a cute little conman.
If they tried to punish me I was just fine. If they sent me to bed I went to sleep. If I had time out in a corner, I sang. If they took away a toy I would play with a rock or a piece of string. If they spanked me I acted like it didn't happen and just continued my day.
My father was easy to read he told me once then took action. He did it for my good. My mother on the other hand only took action when she got angry. This was usually something I did that embarrassed her. The message was clear she did it because I was the embarrassment.
Grounding didn't work because it was just words spoken in anger. A two week grounding lasted a day, partly because I was a conman plus my mother didn't follow through because it was inconvenient. It just became an empty threat.
This sent the wrong message but I didn't understand this until I was forty.
My mother was very over controlling, she would continually embarrass me socially. When I got in trouble she blamed my friends and called their mothers, talk about a "mother's boy." To save any of my reputation I had to take things to a whole new level. Any attempt to claim my independence was becoming more and more impossible. Instead of fighting that battle I became a sneak. I had to be the crazy kid to impress the other kids but I could never get caught.
I've never wanted to be in charge, be the boss or run things. On the contrary I enjoy being invisible. Working is a necessary evil, we all need money but I never found a job that stoked my passion or that I even liked. In those days it was easy to get stuck in a meaningless job.
I loved watching movies with this sub plot: a man is accused of something he did not do but the evidence points at him, but his friend knows he is innocent because he knew his character and trusted his words, now to me that is real friendship.
I was in that exact situation and who I thought was a friend threw me under the bus, that really hurt. Hurt enough to give up on friendship because I knew I was on my own.
I believe men grow up and grow old but somewhere inside they are always lost little boys. I learned this lost boy needed to be seen and valued. Mostly he needed someone who cared enough to tell him the truth and if needed discipline him.
There are many ways to discipline but it must be done with love and follow through. I took the path of least resistance through life but the first time I was told the truth and held accountable to live up to my potential was life changing.
I now seek out friendship but many people aren't worthy. I've tried way too hard and had been taken for granted. I have now learned to first concentrate on being worthy of being a friend.
Friends know my flaws, my imperfections, fears, shames and short comings but also know my character. They trust me and won't run away.
I eventually had a few friend worthy people in my life, all of them told me the hard truth and held me accountable. They refused to be manipulated and put a hard limit on how much of my bad behavior they will tolerate.
I am proud of my choice to accept their counsel. I have been a lost soul my whole life, I needed direction and discipline. Perhaps I could have learned this in the military but that didn't happen.
I finally have one very special friend who will tell me a hard truth even though it hurts them. Wise friends like this are rare and precious.
At the end of my life I will know I was loved, loved by someone enough to inconvenience themselves. I finally understand love manifests itself in many ways.
A friend who believes me no matter what and expects me to achieve my potential.
