FIRST TIME LAST TIME FRIENDS
Humans are created to be social creatures, so intimate contact with other human beings is vital. I have resisted this fact most of my life and in it's place I chose to interact with other humans but always keeping them at arms length. I created the illusion of intimacy by developing a skill to instantly connect with total strangers.
My many years of working in the retail service industry helped me develop the skill to become an instant trusted friend. I became the stereotype friendly cab and bus driver. I could read a customer in seconds and launch into a serious conversation. This skill was useful in the customer service and sales industry, the question is do I use it for good or evil? As your new trusted friend, do I take advantage of you or help you?
Many focus solely on making a sale or hustling a tip, I learned to focus on the person. I truly wanted to help them make the right purchase or have a positive safe experience. As a result I had repeat happy customers and generous tippers.
I felt good about my priority but it still wasn't a real connection. You can only get so close to a person from behind a meat counter or during a cab or bus ride. Customers may or may not shop again, bus passengers may or may not ride again and cab passengers may get on a plane and fly thousands of miles away never to be seen again. Our brief moment of intimate contact may consist of all lies or absolute truth. It is a no risk conversation, you won't get caught in a lie and there is no threat if a secret is revealed.
You can't imagine the things I have heard because many people choose this dynamic to dump their problems and emotions. I have been asked very awkward questions and heard explicit secrets. I have been asked by couples to settle arguments, give advice about life choices and once to assess a man's sexuality. Customers are aware of this no risk dynamic and show no shame. A man who passionately kisses his wife goodbye and as soon as the door is closed asks me about a strip bar or happy ending massage parlor or a woman obviously heading to an afternoon affair with another man while on the phone doing smoochy talk with her husband.
However there were meaningful conversations about life that is usually due to my prompting. I have discovered these are conversations many people rarely discuss. Talking to people about fears, dreams or shortcomings is way too intimate for next-door neighbors and often family members. I love to hear what people think and I really enjoy getting them to think. If I can put a thought or two into someones mind it may spur them to have a real conversation with someone else.
Talking about the weather, sports or work is the shallow end, I love to use my time with strangers to use this no risk dynamic to wade into the deeper waters. Some people immediately get uncomfortable and I respect that but many find it refreshing. I'm sure most of us have had an unexpected profound experience with a good listener bar tender, a random seat partner on a long flight or a talkative philosopher cab driver. Life is filled with these first time last time friends.
I lived exclusively in this world and thought I was connected with people but I was still alone. I have no life long friends or close relatives. I did not have people who have known me at my worst. No-one to see my inconsistencies, weakness and hypocrisy.
Since my move from Hawaii to Bend Oregon I have made a personal commitment to find more longterm friends. First of all it takes time and finding that person who can handle my intense personality. I can be too much for some, a bit too eccentric, opinionated or direct. I have heard I am a required taste.
I have recently had a few negative experiences but a few positive ones. I'm in my seventies still trying to make friends on the school playground. Somedays I am drawn back to the first time last time friends world but I keep trying. Making longterm friends just takes time I guess. I force myself to call people, attend social events and say yes to any group activity. People are very complicated.
We watch Cheers, Big Bang Theory or Friends because of the friendships. We are all intrigued with a group of tight friends but it is only scripted television. As I figured that out I learned that having one or two good friends in this life is enough and unfortunately rare. I think most people go through life alone. They may be like me and put on a good show but they are actually alone.
Everyone has the need to be seen, but the fear of what others will think paralyzes them. A friendly cab driver, bar tender or fellow traveler is no substitute for a consistent friend. I wish I could give the magic words, technique or secret formula but I haven't found one. This is even more difficult today, families are scattered, social media is poorly named and mistrust is at an epic level.
I have found friendship in my life, there is nothing like it. I can't tell you exactly how or why it happened, it was just being open at the right place and the right time. These friendships will last forever no matter the time or distance. The one thing I do know I am the one who needs to make the first move, people won't find me.
I'm writing this after four days of a guys campout. I enjoy the interaction and banter of a bunch of men but not all personalities mesh. I really relate to John Candy's nervous obnoxiousness in Planes Trains and Automobiles because I love to talk and I know I can be a chatter box.
The usual male rifting got personal and I got my feathers ruffled so I needed to write this post, even a seasoned thick skinned cab driver can get his feelings hurt. Like I said I'm an acquired taste and don't mesh with everyone so I decided to focus on the other nervous chatterboxes I met around the late night campfire. One sure thing is running back to that first time last time world is not an option.
