two hundred ninety four

 BAG FULL OF ROCKS....

Joe Pesci and Brandon Fraser star in the 1994 movie With Honors. A story about a top academic student with a promising career and a homeless man with some unorthodox wisdom.

Though the two get off on the wrong foot, they become close friends. It is a funny and touching story about a brilliant young student and an unlikely mentor who teaches the young student some important life lessons.

One that struck me was his bag full of rocks he called his life. Each time he experienced a significant event in his life he would pick up a pebble to remember it. Each rock in the bag represented a specific memory. 

One was a good night of sleep, one was that perfect woman and so on. When he held and rubbed one of the rocks he would feel like he was there again. Once the rock was back in the bag he couldn't remember or feel it.

I think it was his way of living his life fully. As he picked a rock he could fully feel the heart break, joy, sadness, loss, pride, guilt, shame, satisfaction, serenity, triumph, disappointment or love. Once he returned the rock to the bag he could fully focus on the present and didn't have to feel his whole life at once. 

This principle is not that uncommon. A ring or neckless, a picture or letter, a song or a special scent, these all trigger strong memories and emotions. Some of these could be wonderful and some horrible. 

I try to use the idea of returning the rocks or memories to the bag. This helps me feel everything more clearly. If I see my life as a whole the more dramatic events dominate and I'm unable to feel the meaningful small moments. 

I don't want to completely forget any moment of my life, but some are so painful they dominate my thoughts and hinder my ability to love and be loved. Having a place to store them safely until a proper time to feel them is a powerful idea.

As a man, stuffing thoughts and emotions or trying to completely forget them is a way of life, but this has not been my best thinking. Experiencing, owning or processing is vital to good mental health.

Feeling things fully is really hard. I fear never being able to stop if I turn on my emotions fully. I will find that proper place and person to share them with one day.

The proper time and place for this process is also vital. The bag of rocks method allows me to choose the time and place.

I can share these with other people to help them. I can feel the tearful heart ache in private. I can feel the love and joy during down times. Each memory is cherished because it is my life, warts and all.

My rocks have come in many forms. Life is like a long bike tour, even the most stressful days become cherished memories. The longer I live the more I feel connections especially the ones that can't be broken.