two hundred ninety seven

MORNING RANT

To the best of my ability I try to say exactly what I mean. Yes I'm a hypocrite at times, I'm human, but when it is pointed out I own it. 

My defects of character are a moving target, I claim progress not perfection. In my arguments I think about the words I use. 

I do this because my ability to manipulate is the character defect I hate the most. I can turn on my BS machine to get my way and make you believe it is your idea. I have and ability to charm my way out of problems and avoid consequences. 

In my dark past I used whatever it took to get my way and keep my"nice guy" image. I am profoundly ashamed of my past behavior. This is a vital part of my journey to find serenity. 

After 31 years of sobriety turning on my BS power to manipulate others feels unnatural but manipulating myself is much harder to detect. That is why I rely on other recovering friends to call me out on this.

One upside of this character defect is the ability to see these tactics in others. I value straight talk even if I don't agree with what is said. Clarity is more important then agreeing, but to debate, discuss or argue seems to be a lost art. 

Any level of discussion seems to derail quickly. The focus on winning a   debate by discrediting or demeaning the opponent has taken the place of arguing with facts or ideas.

Skin color, sex or sexual preference, age, profession, education, accent, religious belief or non belief, political affiliation or philosophy, accent, social standing or any perceived flaw is fair game.

The search to find a perceived flaw to discredit the person is common today. Everyone says something I agree with and something I disagree with. The all or nothing tactic is simply a cheap manipulative tool. 

One misspoken word, wrong action or opinion no matter how long ago or the circumstance, whether it is true or not is used to cancel an entire person. I thought the Puritans were a tough crowd but compared to the "cancel culture mob" they seem reasonable.

Guilt by association is another all too common tactic. Find or create a member of any group that has an extreme opinion or looks funny to taint the entire group or movement. No real facts are required just a sound bite or picture and a caption. Truth has little to do with this just winning at all cost matters.

Todays conversations focus on implied associations, defining or redefining words and assigning motives to ideas.  

Debate today is more of a talking point, discrediting and insult war, ideas and facts need not apply. Selective or made up"Facts" and Science" are used as clubs, all past behavior is fair game and victim status is a wild card. 

Occasionally I find someone who actually wants to learn something. They are open to new ideas, they want to know more facts and entertain the option to change their mind. Unfortunately they are just sitting ducks for the skilled insult artist disguised as leaders, experts or scholars.

Navigating the "woke" minefield, never admitting wrong and adopting the latest fashionable outrage or guilt. An honest question, opinion or misdirected attitude can cause you to lose a job, career, friends and livelihood.

I'm retired now and don't have to lose sleep over being politically correct. I have this blog to talk about my ideas. It is as political as I get. My personal politics are personal but if you want to know, ask me.

Please please please don't imply my motives, redefine my words or assign me to a group. I would love to hear what YOU think so I won't do those things to you.

two hundred ninety six

So this is this it?

The average expected human lifespan has increased over the last century and a half and quite dramatically over the past 70 years.

Before this an average life expectancy of 26 to 35 years was the norm. Plagues, poor sanitation, famine, wars, natural disasters, accidents, violence, low child mortality, a lack of medicines, medical knowledge and availability. 

In prehistoric times hunting and gathering filled their short lives. Food, clothing, shelter and protection were the main focus. Fighting the elements, animals, insects, disease, famine and other humans was all consuming. This example of art was rare because day to day survival took precedent. 

Death was so much a part of life all through ancient history. Mercy was defined as a quick death with minimal suffering. Families lost 214 children out of a thousand in 1880, today it is considered extremely high at 6 out of a thousand.  

Even with the development of modern weaponry the majority of  casualties in all recorded wars has been spears, swords, arrows and clubs. A wound was usually fatal because of infection and poor medical treatment. 

Travel by land and sea was extremely dangerous. Hundreds of millions died doing what today is considered safe and normal.

The availability of food in first world countries has produced new modern life threatening problems, obesity, diabetes and other health issues. There are still starving people in parts of the world but even the poorest in America have access to an abundance of food and medical care. 

There are many Americans who have no clue where or how their food is produced. They live in safe communities, drive safe cars, fly in safe planes and have access to modern medicine.

There are exceptions but we live in amazing times. The internet and mapping the gene-gnome have been giant strides but the availability of clean water and sanitation have had the largest impact on increasing life expectancy.

We now face an even more ominous problem. What are we doing with our extended lifespans? What do we do with our leisure time? What do we do with our wealth? 

I grew up near Amish and Mennonite communities, their lifestyle confuses many people. They have a central theme, dependance on the community and connection to the land. They do this by limiting the use of technology and focus on reliance on family, neighbors and God.

This is an extreme example as to how people choose to live out their lives. There are countless other ways to live but far too many submerge themselves in entertainment and self indulgence. Sadly their focus on comfort and pleasure can cause them to miss their lives completely.

Psychiatrist, political commentator and syndicated columnist Charles Krauthammer wrote several best selling books and a syndicated column in 400 outlets. His last two books "The Point Of It All" and "Things That Matter" were his most important to me.

Charles was limited physically from a spinal accident in his youth and battled cancer that eventually took his life. As he faced death over his last years his writing turned to what he thought was important. These books plus the book of Ecclesiastes got me thinking about my own life.

Do I take my own life for granted? How can I live it fully and what does that even mean? Does my life matter, do I matter? What happens after I'm dead? Is this it? These questions have occupied the thoughts of every living human since the beginning of time.

People have worshiped the elements, the earth and powerful people. Others have searched for God and the meaning of life. Today artificial intelligence, technology and space exploration has become it's own religion. 

The fitness and health craze have become another form of religion. Health and fitness are important but worshiping our bodies is a form of  Narcissism. 

Narcissism named for Narcissus, a figure from Greek mythology who was so impeccably handsome that he fell in love with his own image in a pool of water, the original selfie.

The question today is; am I preserving my life and saving life for a rainy day, or am I living it?

We may have the worst of times because we can become complacent and distracted. Did we lose the sense of urgency to live a life that matters?

I don't think a short life is less meaningful then a long life. Compared to the thousands or billions of years lives have been lived there is little difference between 26 years and 86 years. The only difference may be the urgency to answer the eternal questions.

I personally do not believe this is all that there is. If I believed this was it what would be the point of right and wrong. I don't worship a score keeping God, I worship a God who says I am made in his image.

I don't know if that means arms and legs, fingers and toes or eyes and ears. This could be it but what I have found he means he has the same needs as I do, a need to love and be loved.

I trust he is good for his word not just that he exists. He said if I enter into his covenant and strive to keep my end of it I can be with him forever. I have no idea how that happens but I trust his word because he has always kept his promises by honoring his covenants throughout history.

I put my trust in this particular verse along with many others.

Jude 1:24 To him who is able to keep you (me) from stumbling and present you (me) before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy---

The baseball movie "The Natural" had a line about living two lives. "The life we learn with and the life we live with after that", I think I'm in the learning one right now.

If you are honest with yourself there is a question you must answer. Drowning it out or ignoring it takes it's toll. It is the most nagging question that is rarely discussed. 

Sorry if I have pointed at the big fat smelly elephant taking a steaming dump in the middle of the room.

Finish your organic smoothy, climb off of your Peloton and go out and live your life, you have some questions to answer.

two hundred ninety five

 Preconceived Notions

To sum up my bicycle adventures in one simple phrase; I traveled through the world around me to challenge my preconceived notions.

I have spent my life being curious. I wondered how things work, how plants grow and how animals behave. I questioned what was over the horizon, under the water or up in the sky. Later I began the most interesting adventure, people.

Not only did I want to experience new places, different climates, plants, geography, foods, lifestyles and people, I wanted to actually see how they really were. I knew my ideas were shaped by movies, television, the news and others opinions. I always suspected these people, places and things would not be what I expected.

I have never been to war so I have no idea what it is like. There are many movies, TV shows and books that portray war but until it is actually experienced no one can truly grasp the reality.

It may be terminal illness, crime victim, prison or arrest, near death or religious experience, child birth, death of a child or spouse, discrimination, bullying, military service, treatment rehab, serious accident or any unique human event be it grief, joy, exhilaration or trauma. No one knows what it is like to be a policeman, middle child, garbage man, CEO and so on unless they actually are one. We get into trouble when we claim to or think we know. 

Today many people claim to know much more then they can possibly know. The cock sure attitudes of politicians, media personalities and celebrities amazes me. 

Just because you watched a movie or starred in one doesn't make you an expert. Claiming to know how other people think, what they need and how they should live is unfortunately way too common today. In fact it is rarely questioned. In many circles these bias and uninformed opinions are valued and often directly quoted.

I try to take an adventure everyday. The input I can get through all forms of media be it political, religious or a social perspective has an underlying bias. That can't be avoided, is simply human nature. It can be used to manipulate and control or it can just be a bias they are not even aware they have.

I do not criticize people because most don't even know. I do get disappointed when they do know better or are not curious enough to ask an honest question. It is up to us to ask these questions.

I am not more wise or noble, I have had mentors stir this desire that was in me. I believe it is in everyone to want to know what is real and true but many have settled. They allow others to shape their thoughts and opinions because it is easy.

The vehicle I chose to take on these physical adventures was primitive. I chose a bicycle because it is disarming and a curiosity. I was not a threat because it was unconventional. People were curious so it opens doors to conversations. These people were where they lived.

If it was a rich business owner in Maine, a bridge painter in Schenectady New York, pig farmer in Iowa or fisherman in North Carolina, it was a place to learn.

Listening is something I do but I could always improve on but I try to shut up and let other people talk. The way I do it is ask a question like an interviewer. I want to know what people think. They usually think I'm a rock star because of my mode of travel so I get past that as quickly as possible and get them to talk.

I don't debate but I do share opinions. The unwritten rule of never talking about politics or religion is BS. The politics thing is much less important then sharing my faith. It is never my goal to do this but to take it completely off of the table is wrong in my opinion.

I share what guides me and gives me peace and joy. I rarely quote scripture and I totally avoid speaking in Christian-eze. 

Politics is a mine field today so I don't initiate those conversations. I will talk generally about my political philosophy. Avoiding any party affiliation can allow the conversation to go deeper. I want to have conversations not win arguments. 

The tactics today are to pigeon hole everyone into a political tribe. If I do talk politics I want to know what YOU think not what your political party thinks. 

Realizing I don't know as much as I think comes with age. The older I get the more I reluctantly realize this. Interacting with another human being is a unique experience because each human being is unique. 

I personally don't think there is as much prejudice, hatred, bigotry and racism as it is portrayed today. Not that these do not exist, I just think from my experience we all suffer from preconceived notions about each other.

These divisions are an advantage to those who want people divided. They say they want unity but many are simply lying.

I usually talk about the "elephant in the room". It gets me in trouble sometimes but I'm willing to risk it. I believe from my investigation over the years people of all backgrounds haven't opened themselves up to take an honest look at the individual not the group.

Conversations and interactions are healing, I have seen it and have experienced it. Leaders, politicians and laws won't solve this and usually make things worse. The curious individual choosing to bypass the BS and interact with another curious individual is the only real chance we have of healing these divisions.

I know I got preachy but this is at the heart of what I learned on my bicycle. This country is made up of 340 million individuals. I haven't interacted with them all but I have interacted with many. 

Experiment with this, challenge your preconceived notions in your next conversation. Talk about something real, love, hope, fears, worries, dreams and questions. Listen more then you talk, I'm working on that one. 

Set aside your preconceived notions and hopefully let the healing begin. It comes slow but the more people interact the more the understand they share very common human traits that go beyond, race, politics, economic status or religion. 

Build bridges first then go for the hard stuff. Mankind will heal from the bottom up, not the top down.

After that go ride your bike........

two hundred ninety four

 BAG FULL OF ROCKS....

Joe Pesci and Brandon Fraser star in the 1994 movie With Honors. A story about a top academic student with a promising career and a homeless man with some unorthodox wisdom.

Though the two get off on the wrong foot, they become close friends. It is a funny and touching story about a brilliant young student and an unlikely mentor who teaches the young student some important life lessons.

One that struck me was his bag full of rocks he called his life. Each time he experienced a significant event in his life he would pick up a pebble to remember it. Each rock in the bag represented a specific memory. 

One was a good night of sleep, one was that perfect woman and so on. When he held and rubbed one of the rocks he would feel like he was there again. Once the rock was back in the bag he couldn't remember or feel it.

I think it was his way of living his life fully. As he picked a rock he could fully feel the heart break, joy, sadness, loss, pride, guilt, shame, satisfaction, serenity, triumph, disappointment or love. Once he returned the rock to the bag he could fully focus on the present and didn't have to feel his whole life at once. 

This principle is not that uncommon. A ring or neckless, a picture or letter, a song or a special scent, these all trigger strong memories and emotions. Some of these could be wonderful and some horrible. 

I try to use the idea of returning the rocks or memories to the bag. This helps me feel everything more clearly. If I see my life as a whole the more dramatic events dominate and I'm unable to feel the meaningful small moments. 

I don't want to completely forget any moment of my life, but some are so painful they dominate my thoughts and hinder my ability to love and be loved. Having a place to store them safely until a proper time to feel them is a powerful idea.

As a man, stuffing thoughts and emotions or trying to completely forget them is a way of life, but this has not been my best thinking. Experiencing, owning or processing is vital to good mental health.

Feeling things fully is really hard. I fear never being able to stop if I turn on my emotions fully. I will find that proper place and person to share them with one day.

The proper time and place for this process is also vital. The bag of rocks method allows me to choose the time and place.

I can share these with other people to help them. I can feel the tearful heart ache in private. I can feel the love and joy during down times. Each memory is cherished because it is my life, warts and all.

My rocks have come in many forms. Life is like a long bike tour, even the most stressful days become cherished memories. The longer I live the more I feel connections especially the ones that can't be broken.

two hundred ninety three

Dreaming 

The memories of the endless miles still visit my dreams even years later. Usually in my daydreams but on occasion during those twilight dreams I have just before I wake. 

I don't know the location, the day, the year or even the trip. I do remember every detail of the faces, voices and smiles. The conversations, the questions and the kindness. 

There are vivid flashes of breathtaking views, smells, flavors and feelings. The night sky, sunset and sunrise. The vistas, small towns, cities, hot desert highways and morning dew. 

The smell of rain, freshly cut fields, the ocean, saw mills, dairy farms, plowed fields, BBQ and flowers. 

The food was always a sensual experience. My body craved fuel so I salivated even at the thought of Top Ramen. After a few hard hot days a cheeseburger, fries and milkshake in a diner was overwhelming. It was a time to stuff my face, I think that was also in Ecclesiastes.

The endless number of campsites are a blur but I still remember the sounds of traffic, crickets, tree frogs, coyotes, dogs, water falls, ocean waves, thunder, rain, wind and absolute silence. The rush of waking to wonder where in the hell I was and the search for coffee and a bathroom.

Motels were usually modest and sometimes sub-modest. I stayed in some sketchy places but they were castles compared to curling up under my tent rain fly behind a guard rail along a busy highway. The showers, clean sheets, fresh shave, sleeping naked, fresh coffee, waffles, eggs, bacon and sticky bun breakfasts. 

I washed my clothes and dried my tent and bedding. I recharged my phone batteries, watched a little television and repacked my bike so I could roll out early.

I got on the road early because I skipped the usual morning rituals, breaking camp, repacking my bike, finding coffee and a bathroom. Because of the early start these were usually 100 mile plus days. I also remember my celebratory half gallon of vanilla ice-cream after a big mileage day.

In spite of the sweat, dirt, body oder, aches, pains, blisters, wind and sun burn, insect bites and traffic stress. I embraced all of it, I was happy.

The road is a mistress, a strong and difficult task master. I am unable to resist its call and have realized I foolishly once thought I can control it. However the road is in charge I can only surrender to it and live in the stress of it. 

I thrive in this stress and embrace it's challenges. The road tests me to my limits and beyond. Like the sea, the highway must be respected and at times feared, and like the sailor, I can't resist it's call.

Many people find this foolishness but in the chaos of the bike lane I find serenity. 

I am rewarded with the feeling of satisfaction. I'm being led on an adventure that is way out of my comfort zone. That is the place real life happens.

On the road there are no shortcuts, I must continue on pushing my body past its limits. I have achieved things I could never imagine.  

I could go on and on about this because the memories of these bicycle journeys begin to flood in as I write. I have felt this unwavering and demanding strength only once before.

two hundred ninety two

"15 DAYS TO FLATTEN THE CURVE" 

March 18, 2020

Covid19 Virus 2020-21-22-? 

Hong Kong Virus 1969 

WOODSTOCK

 three days of peace and music

fact check

Year 2022

Year 1969

Yeah, we were the idiots..............

two hundred ninety one

 Perhaps I'm becoming and old fart now that I have turned seventy. I've written a few post about how I feel about it. I will someday, God willing reach an age where people will talk about me while I'm in the room. That happened to my father who suffered from dementia. That is a personal nightmare to me.

When I was young I witnessed other young guys at work mocking older guys because of their age. A joking environment at work is fun but these comments were mean and belittling. I saw this and reacted but these young cocky assholes lacked any self-awareness. 

Both the human and animal kingdom have the young males challenging the older males but there is more respect and honor in the animal kingdom then these children showed to their elders. 

I learned early on to value older men and women because of their experience, they had seen decades more life then me. They weren't necessarily smarter then me, but many were. They had seen and done more then me simply because they had been alive much longer. 

Some were successful and some weren't. Some were happy and some were not. Some were wise and some were old fools. I understood I could learn from the wise ones and even the fools.

I'm not claiming to be a wiseman or a fool, I am probably a bit of both. The simple truth is I have survived my recklessness, dodged large fast moving and pointy objects and survived disease for 70+ years. 

This simple fact gives me a special vantage point. I have seen more life then the most intelligent and successful young person because I was alive for as much as fifty years longer.  

Each of our life experience is different but human nature throughout the world and through history has been a constant. People from the beginning of time have been greedy, self centered, violent, hateful, jealous and cruel. 

These were the main operating values of ancient society. God then interjected the concept of right and wrong, love, compassion and forgiveness, first through the Law of Moses and finally Jesus. Society now had a new set of values to factor in.

The seventy years that I have occupied the planet has seen more technological changes than any time in history. Human nature at its core never changes but the speed and volume of communication has accelerated at a pace never seen before.....or has it?

The book of Ecclesiastes was written by King Solomon. The reference to nothing new under the sun has always intrigued me. Has there been societies before us that had advanced technology and communication? Did we travel to other worlds? Perhaps the Pyramids are evidence of things beyond our present understanding? That doesn't factor in the Pyramids we may have also built on Mars.

I know I'm beginning to be a little silly or am I? I'm realizing more and more that I only know a little. 

We have this cocky attitude in our media and leaders today. Everyone is so sure of everything. Everything is happening for the very first time so everything is "unprecedented". Every event is perceived as the best or the worst in the history of humanity.  I call them the "Chicken Little, the sky is falling media. They abuse language, skew statistics, ignore or distort even their own recent history. 

None of this is new, from the beginning there has been a play to gain power by using division, hatred and jealousy. Any small event, natural disaster, any transgression or flaw in a fellow human being can be exploited. The one constant is their superior attitudes, false compassion and self righteous judgments. 

These words ring true, "What has been will be again and what has been done will be done again". 

The one slight super power I have is that I don't forget what someone said or did. I have trouble with names and numbers but I remember most details of conversations and events.

Humans have short memories we need constant reminders of our mission, values and history. Statues, memorials, songs and pledges help us remember what happened before and after, were and how it happen, who did it and why they did it.

The effort to erase or rewrite our history is a conscious effort to divide and deceive us. I represent a threat because I was around when these things happened and remember the what, who and why about our history.

The truth of these words is directed to the need to understand and remember our history.

I could write volumes of examples but this is a natural motivation to gain control and power. The basic yearning or temptation that began in the Garden of Eden. Man from the beginning has yearned to be God.

Building bridges or destroying them, unifying or dividing, stirring hatred or sewing peace, these are the real questions.

I accept these words. "There is nothing new under the sun". Now I look at the fruit produced to find my way to what is true. Yes it is that simple.

Watch the news, listen to a speech or watch what they do, then shove everything through this filter; are they dividing or healing? 

They all claim to heal, they claim to know history and they claim superior thoughts, morals and knowledge, but they can't hide their real motives.........if you just take the time to look clearly.

These words are available to everyone, I have been fortunate to find them. My lower base nature is always in play but by God's grace I have been blessed and guided into this truth. I must push my own thoughts, motives and actions through this same filter. 

The questions I am guided and judged by are; am I dividing or healing, am I promoting violence or peace, am I spreading hatred or love?

two hundred ninety

 PASSION

PASSION.....that thing that makes you skip a meal, deprive yourself of sleep, endure discomfort and ignore primal cravings including sexual pleasure. Some find this in their work, hobbies, devotion to others or a soul feeding cause.

I have experienced this passion only a few times in my life. I believe finding and living this passion is vital to being fully human. 

There are very few of us who find our passions and fully live them. They are sometimes clear and defined but other times they are hidden and unfocused.

The pursuit of fame, wealth and power are not my passion, that is very clear. Serving the needs of others has produced the deepest and most fulfilling segments of my life.

At 70 I have been struggling to find that passion again. I do not work now so my days are an endless spiral of unfocused energy and thoughts. Finding a new passion is vital for my longterm survival.

It is winter in Oregon so the bicycle is out. Joining a gym, learning to fish, backpacking and hiking are on my list. TV, eating and enjoying my parrots just isn't enough.

This post isn't full of insight or wisdom. It is just me admitting I am stuck.........

two hundred eighty nine

I thought ADHD is just an excuse for being undisciplined and stupid.....

I doubt you can understand how difficult it is for me to create one of these posts. I start then stop, I walk away for hours or days, I delete everything and start over again and again. I post then I endlessly tweak, I mean endlessly. Like I have said before I have focus issues but I always thought ADHD was just an excuse.

This morning I watched this video about ADHD (link) I rarely look at anything like this because I refuse to admit I have a weakness and God forbid a handicap. 

The doctor described my life in such detail it really disturbed me. I understand now how this condition has limited me throughout my life.

Focus is only a small part of it, the overwhelming emotions, feelings of insecurity, compulsive behavior and compulsive thoughts where things I did not associate with this disorder.

The constant flashes of distractions, the inability to follow through and the endless list of half finished projects have been a source of shame, embarrassment and frustration.

I get stuck on things, physically, mentally and emotionally. I can have flashes of rage that I have successfully over the years suppressed. 

When I was younger I punched walls, car fenders and threw plenty of tools. I have a fifty two stitch scar on my right hand from punching a window. 

I finally got tired of fixing walls and windows plus I was running low on tools. I rarely feel that flash of rage, in fact I can say it only visits once or twice a decade. 

I feel like I have been wondering through my life attempting to find that one place that fits. Years of deep depression were simply survived. I made some bad choices as to how to survive, but those almost killed me. 

I have made no secret of my sobriety and do not blame my behavior on this condition but it was a self medicating part of my journey.

I have wrestled with this alone for most of my life. I have had some victories but mostly I have just learned to live with it.

He described that in spite of this condition I can focus like a laser on the things that I have a passion for.

It is obvious long distance bicycle touring is one of them. I have trouble enjoying a short training ride, I have too many distractions and get bored very quickly. Really Big Circles is more than just the name of my blog it is how I can stay focused for a day, week or month. The thousands of miles from home with only my whits and a bicycle put me in that crisis survival mode. This is where I can live in that clear focus mode for months.

Early in my life I had other passions, falling in love, building a home, my family, running and rebuilding tractors. Even then I was scattered skipping from one thing to another. I know I drove the people around me crazy. I had no real focus or clear direction. 

Finally one subject that drove me was the study of the Bible and the exploration of my faith. I cannot read technical manuals, boring history or silly novels. Erotic books could not hold my interest for more than a short time. I did however spend years exploring and researching the Bible because I had a passion for truth and understanding. That is the most life changing and rewarding experience of my life. I still have passion for my faith but I have lost some of the drive to study.

After years of drifting AA meetings and the step work took over my life for several years and I did retain a passion for meetings and helping others. 

I turn hobbies like board games, cards and video games into a contact sport. Organized team sports, golf, fishing, hunting and group riding have never captured my interest because of the social interaction or lack of real danger.

I love edge play, danger, risk and recklessness. I did things like this alone and in private. I feed on the fear to pump up the adrenaline, a drug I lived on for most of my life. Fast cars and motorcycles almost killed me many times.  

One safe and focused place was finding someone I trusted to pour my life and energy into fully. I have taken as many risks with my heart as I have with my body.

The picture of my brother and a much smaller version of me reminds me of how whatever my brother asked me to do I would do no matter what it was. I followed him around like a puppy dog. I adored my big brother and would follow his lead anywhere. 

I did this until the night I got sprayed in the face by a skunk. I had put expectations on him that he wasn't aware of so it was unfair to hold him to them. He could at times be an ass but tables turned I might have done the same, we were kids.

One night I was invited to help check his trap line. This was a very special night. We got to an abandoned fox den occupied by a mother skunk. She was in one or more of his foot traps and she was very pissed off. He handed me a flashlight and a hammer and said, "crawl down in there and get my traps". 

I was willing to do anything to win his approval. As I was head first up to my waist in the hole, I learned the mother skunk had a different idea. After temporary blindness and a tomato juice bath I learned not to blindly trust anyone, not even my big brother.

My own Father who I suspect struggled with similar focus issues was a great Dad but he was distant. My Mother was loving but lacked the understanding of boundaries. They both did the best they could.

I guess you could call wanting to completely aline myself to another person codependent and in a way it probably is. I make a distinction based on whether the one I trust completely is looking after my best interest. I don't think that dynamic is right or wrong it just fits me.

On my own I struggle with just about every day to day thing, without a source of focus I am adrift without a rudder. If I find someone trustworthy whatever they say or even suggest I am focus like a laser to do whatever it is.

I will pour myself into this completely, I will take it to the next level. I will do whatever it takes I'll skip a meal, lose sleep, endure discomfort and endure just about anything to finish my task.

That simple look of approval is all I require. Finding that person is rare, some fine it in their football coach, drill Sergeant, teacher, friend, sponsor or significant other.

Fitting in this world alone is hard enough without this condition so putting myself out there to find that perfect person does have its ups and downs. 

I have risked my heart completely and yes I have been foolish, I've been disappointed and I've been manipulated. I have had my heart broken and my soul crushed, but I have no regrets because I have also found that perfect fit. 

I found that one moment in my life I was completely alive, focused and safe. I could accomplish amazing things.

I have learned not to put expectations or responsibilities on another person, that would not be fair. I accept full responsibility for my own happiness and failures, it is my choice to follow another persons direction. 

I can't hold anything back, loving without a net may be fool hearty but without living life with my whole body, mind and heart, what would be the point. The risk is real but the rewards take me to a place where I can finally feel complete. This sounds like a hopeless romantic train wreck way of living but that is how I have found the most fulfilling moments of my life. 

I most likely have this disorder, but living life close to the edge is where I need to be. I have gained some wisdom from mistakes but I haven't been conditioned to hide from life. 

I have the brain I have and my own mind, body and soul to risk. Choices and consequences is a world we all live in, I refuse to hide one more day of my life to avoid discomfort. Being safe has its rewards but I have survives so far and still long to see beyond the next corner and over the next mountain.

two hundred eighty eight

VIDEO LINK

(notice how we cool were back then)

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate

A time of war, a time of peace

A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose

A time to rend, a time to sew

A time for love, a time for hate

A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

The Byrds, a rock band from the sixties wrote these words. Turn Turn Turn was one of their biggest hits. 

I was surprised when I discovered these words were almost word for word from the Bible. This led me to read the entire book of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 in the Old Testament. 

These words and the logic of this book made so much sense they changed how I perceived the world. A time for everything and everything in its' time, kind of a Yin and a Yang thing. Lucky for the Byrds God isn't into suing for plagiarism.

I started to look at life this way way before I thought much about God. In those days I thought religion was something really gullible square people believed. Being good was simply paying the the premium for eternal fire insurance. Yeah, a pretty pathetic rationalization.

This led me to explore more of the Bible but this is where it all started. I found this principle later in life clarified in a simple prayer, the serenity prayer.

We give most of our attention to the Roman numerals on the front of an AA chip because it signifies the length of time we have abstained from alcohol. The back of every chip has the Serenity Prayer. This simple prayer captures the idea of a time for everything.

There are things I can't change and there are things I can. Living in linear time is a bitch, we can't see tomorrow and we can't change the past. All we can do is live as fully as possible in the moment we are in.

If I'm at work, I work. If I'm on vacation, I relax. If I am in bed, I sleep and so on. What I have drawn from this is we only have now. We can remember the moments before now and imagine, hope or fear the moments after now. 

We have no control over tomorrow, the only thing we do have any control over is now, but even that control is fleeting. Choices like yes or no, start or stop, up or down, in or out and right or left are physical choices. Physical choices are things I can do with my physical 3D person. 

 Emotional choices are much more elusive. My thoughts and emotions are not like moving a pile of physical rocks from one place to another. Thinking on these things has been a life long struggle for me. I found these rock n roll lyrics a great help. 

I realized I could not live in more than one moment and feel life fully. A constant state of looking backwards or forwards limited my ability to be present. The dark days of my addiction caused me to miss now completely and separate myself from feeling life altogether.

After years of sobriety I finally learned to see, hear and feel the very moment I am in. I don't always live there but I know how to get there. My life is an endless series of choices now.

Am I in the moment doing the next right thing as fully as I can? Am I enjoying or experiencing even the smallest things like the smell of my morning coffee, the beauty of new snow or the warmth of a hug or handshake?

A time for everything and everything in it's time, sounds simple doesn't it? A moving target to say the least but a worthy goal to live every moment of life as fully as possible.

I apologize this post is a bit rambling. I think about this every day, I guess that is what it is like living life without control. I have finally accepted the fact that I control very little beyond my own choices and I have grown to trust the one who truly is in control. That is a good thing, but sometimes I forget......a little.

I do have places to remind me like the seat of my bicycle but lately I have friends to remind me. I guess that is where I get "the wisdom to know the difference".

two hundred eighty seven

A quote from Jack Welch, a successful business man. 

I'm not as familiar with his quotes as I am Joe Walsh quotes but this fits my story.

Like the rest of the human race I hate change. I have discovered at 70 years of age it seems to become ever more disturbing. 

I'm retired but not as financially secure as I would like. I have enough to pay my bills but disposable money for travel, toys and helping others is important. 

I have a commercial drivers license for driving buses and trucks. Lately I have been driving a daily 300 mile round trip from Bend Oregon to Eugene Oregon.

Bend is 3650 feet above sea level and surrounded by snow capped mountains. Every trip to a major city requires a trip through a snow covered pass.

I took route 58 to Eugene and back. This route is filled with mountain curves and elevation changes. Most of the year this route is actually fun to drive. These large buses can be driven smoothly without jostling a sleeping passenger. 

This requires strategic braking and minimal steering input. Like a race car driver looks for that perfect lap, I try to have a perfect run. No leaning, smooth braking and as few bumps as possible. 

In the winter months the curves can be unpredictable. It can be 40 degrees in Bend and be 15 degrees in the mountains. Each mile requires my full focus because with these changing conditions any moisture can turn to ice at any moment. 

I'm a very cautious and skilled driver so driving in hazardous conditions didn't worry me. The problem is my vision has begun to change. I had a condition in my 50's that damaged my retinas that resulted in years later double vision. 

This was successfully corrected with glasses for many years. In the past six months I have had brief moments that told me I needed a new prescription. I found a specialist and spent a fortune on new glasses but my eyes had reached a point that I can't take a risk driving large vehicles through snow covered mountain passes with a load of passengers. 

My eyes are perfect for an eight hour run but the second and third days I begin to struggle. "Change before you have to." came to mind. If something ever happened because of my bullheaded pride I could never forgive myself.

I love driving big vehicles and enjoy passengers. Some regulars called me "mister smooth" and one lady said I was "efficient" instead of saying I speed. My goal is; don't scare them or make them sick and get them safely to their connections on time.

The bullheaded part of me is still focused on bicycle touring again but driving busses and trucks are now a thing of the past. I love transportation and interacting with people but I think I'll try something local. For now I'm going to hunker down enjoy the holidays and wait out the bad weather.

Change sucks but being made to change is much much much worse. Like I have said in previous posts I'm sober 31 years. I would not have made it 31 days if I was being told or forced however I did find it tolerable to take suggestions, I think it is something connected to my pride.

I can't leave without a Joe Walsh quote......