I doubt you can understand how difficult it is for me to create one of these posts. I start then stop, I walk away for hours or days, I delete everything and start over again and again. I post then I endlessly tweak, I mean endlessly. Like I have said before I have focus issues but I always thought ADHD was just an excuse.
This morning I watched this video about ADHD (link) I rarely look at anything like this because I refuse to admit I have a weakness and God forbid a handicap.
The doctor described my life in such detail it really disturbed me. I understand now how this condition has limited me throughout my life.
Focus is only a small part of it, the overwhelming emotions, feelings of insecurity, compulsive behavior and compulsive thoughts where things I did not associate with this disorder.
The constant flashes of distractions, the inability to follow through and the endless list of half finished projects have been a source of shame, embarrassment and frustration.
I get stuck on things, physically, mentally and emotionally. I can have flashes of rage that I have successfully over the years suppressed.
When I was younger I punched walls, car fenders and threw plenty of tools. I have a fifty two stitch scar on my right hand from punching a window.
I finally got tired of fixing walls and windows plus I was running low on tools. I rarely feel that flash of rage, in fact I can say it only visits once or twice a decade.
I feel like I have been wondering through my life attempting to find that one place that fits. Years of deep depression were simply survived. I made some bad choices as to how to survive, but those almost killed me.
I have made no secret of my sobriety and do not blame my behavior on this condition but it was a self medicating part of my journey.
I have wrestled with this alone for most of my life. I have had some victories but mostly I have just learned to live with it.
He described that in spite of this condition I can focus like a laser on the things that I have a passion for.
It is obvious long distance bicycle touring is one of them. I have trouble enjoying a short training ride, I have too many distractions and get bored very quickly. Really Big Circles is more than just the name of my blog it is how I can stay focused for a day, week or month. The thousands of miles from home with only my whits and a bicycle put me in that crisis survival mode. This is where I can live in that clear focus mode for months.
Early in my life I had other passions, falling in love, building a home, my family, running and rebuilding tractors. Even then I was scattered skipping from one thing to another. I know I drove the people around me crazy. I had no real focus or clear direction.
Finally one subject that drove me was the study of the Bible and the exploration of my faith. I cannot read technical manuals, boring history or silly novels. Erotic books could not hold my interest for more than a short time. I did however spend years exploring and researching the Bible because I had a passion for truth and understanding. That is the most life changing and rewarding experience of my life. I still have passion for my faith but I have lost some of the drive to study.
After years of drifting AA meetings and the step work took over my life for several years and I did retain a passion for meetings and helping others.
I turn hobbies like board games, cards and video games into a contact sport. Organized team sports, golf, fishing, hunting and group riding have never captured my interest because of the social interaction or lack of real danger.
I love edge play, danger, risk and recklessness. I did things like this alone and in private. I feed on the fear to pump up the adrenaline, a drug I lived on for most of my life. Fast cars and motorcycles almost killed me many times.
One safe and focused place was finding someone I trusted to pour my life and energy into fully. I have taken as many risks with my heart as I have with my body.
The picture of my brother and a much smaller version of me reminds me of how whatever my brother asked me to do I would do no matter what it was. I followed him around like a puppy dog. I adored my big brother and would follow his lead anywhere.
I did this until the night I got sprayed in the face by a skunk. I had put expectations on him that he wasn't aware of so it was unfair to hold him to them. He could at times be an ass but tables turned I might have done the same, we were kids.
One night I was invited to help check his trap line. This was a very special night. We got to an abandoned fox den occupied by a mother skunk. She was in one or more of his foot traps and she was very pissed off. He handed me a flashlight and a hammer and said, "crawl down in there and get my traps".
I was willing to do anything to win his approval. As I was head first up to my waist in the hole, I learned the mother skunk had a different idea. After temporary blindness and a tomato juice bath I learned not to blindly trust anyone, not even my big brother.
My own Father who I suspect struggled with similar focus issues was a great Dad but he was distant. My Mother was loving but lacked the understanding of boundaries. They both did the best they could.
I guess you could call wanting to completely aline myself to another person codependent and in a way it probably is. I make a distinction based on whether the one I trust completely is looking after my best interest. I don't think that dynamic is right or wrong it just fits me.
On my own I struggle with just about every day to day thing, without a source of focus I am adrift without a rudder. If I find someone trustworthy whatever they say or even suggest I am focus like a laser to do whatever it is.
I will pour myself into this completely, I will take it to the next level. I will do whatever it takes I'll skip a meal, lose sleep, endure discomfort and endure just about anything to finish my task.
That simple look of approval is all I require. Finding that person is rare, some fine it in their football coach, drill Sergeant, teacher, friend, sponsor or significant other.
Fitting in this world alone is hard enough without this condition so putting myself out there to find that perfect person does have its ups and downs.
I have risked my heart completely and yes I have been foolish, I've been disappointed and I've been manipulated. I have had my heart broken and my soul crushed, but I have no regrets because I have also found that perfect fit.
I found that one moment in my life I was completely alive, focused and safe. I could accomplish amazing things.
I have learned not to put expectations or responsibilities on another person, that would not be fair. I accept full responsibility for my own happiness and failures, it is my choice to follow another persons direction.
I can't hold anything back, loving without a net may be fool hearty but without living life with my whole body, mind and heart, what would be the point. The risk is real but the rewards take me to a place where I can finally feel complete. This sounds like a hopeless romantic train wreck way of living but that is how I have found the most fulfilling moments of my life.
I most likely have this disorder, but living life close to the edge is where I need to be. I have gained some wisdom from mistakes but I haven't been conditioned to hide from life.
I have the brain I have and my own mind, body and soul to risk. Choices and consequences is a world we all live in, I refuse to hide one more day of my life to avoid discomfort. Being safe has its rewards but I have survives so far and still long to see beyond the next corner and over the next mountain.
