two hundred seventy one

IF I COULD SAVE POOP IN A BOTTLE....

This sounds like a popular song title. Riding mile after mile along country roads and highways is boring at times so you have to keep your mind active. I occupied my time looking at houses, farm land, trees, mountains, bodies of water and weird things in the ditch. 

It isn't uncommon to find road kill, beer cans, whiskey bottles and general trash. However there are the more unusual items such as underwear, a very realistic sex toy and a gun. 

The gun was on a bridge in New Jersey. I saw what it was and was smart enough not to stop and touch it. Luckily A police officer was stopped along the highway at the end of the bridge so I stopped and told him what I saw. He went from sizing me up to see what he could charge me with to realizing this is just an out of town nut on a bicycle. 

I pointed where it was then he asked me for my name. I told him I don't want the gun if no body claims it, he didn't like my humor so I gave him my drivers license. 

He must have texted someone because I didn't see him use the radio. Within minutes there were two police cars blocking off one lane of the bridge. I didn't hang around and they never contacted me. 

The highways of America have many many piss bottles. They are probably all over the world but it seems to be a lifestyle here. As a cyclist I have pissed behind many a tree and bush so I cannot judge. However I have never had the urge to save it in a plastic bottle and leave it on the side of the highway.

State by state they have designed programs to end this problem. Fines from simple littering to indecent exposure charges which makes  the violator a sex offender. Distracted driving tickets for peeing in a bottle while driving and probably double fines if you are on the phone.

They could create cartoons or celebrity endorsed public service educational campaigns to encourage the public not to pee in a bottle while driving and not throwing it out of a moving vehicle. Maybe a special receptacle at rest stops, one for aluminum cans, one for recyclables, one for trash and one for bottles full of piss. Perhaps a cabinet level Czar with a few hundred billion dollar budget to fix the problem. I wonder if Elon Musk could use it for rocket fuel? Maybe this is what is causing climate change?

And finally the grand prize winner of the strangest road find is a Snapple bottle with poop inside. I have had many sleepless nights asking how and why? The simple logistics amaze and frighten me. Because of the size of the object and the size of the opening the logistical question I asked was is this the same principle used when you put a ship in a bottle? 

The why is simply a series of questions, were you being held captive against your will? Was it a bet or a dare? Are you just extremely shy with a debilitating terror of public restrooms? It had to stem from some horrible childhood trauma or a whole bunch of them. If you are the one who did this I am certain they would put your photo and dedicate an entire chapter focusing on this syndrome in a psychology text book.

I photographed the actual bottle and sent it to Snapple to see if they had this flavor, but I never heard back. The actual picture has been lost but simply picture warm gefilte fish.....

As I rode the endless miles of the next few weeks I actually laughed out loud whenever I remembered it. I was telling this story last night, so I thought I would write it down.