four hundred eight

Manipulation is my unfortunate super power. It has served me well for many years, as so I thought. 

I was a ten month baby, weighed ten pounds, had four chins, long black hair and a pleasant disposition. I didn't walk until I was fifteen months old, in fact my mother asked the doctor if there was something wrong. 

He examined me and said I was healthy, then asked her several questions. He said it seems he gets what he wants without walking, stop letting him control you. My mother probably tried but I was just so cuddly and cute. 

I did however have an odd personality. Other then a few hidden learning disorders I frustrated my parents because I was almost impossible to discipline. I wasn't an overtly rebellious child, I was a cute little conman. 

If they tried to punish me I was just fine. If they sent me to bed I went to sleep. If I had time out in a corner, I sang. If they took away a toy I would play with a rock or a piece of string. If they spanked me I acted like it didn't happen and just continued my day. 

My father was easy to read he told me once then took action. He did it for my good. My mother on the other hand only took action when she got angry. This was usually something I did that embarrassed her. The message was clear she did it because I was the embarrassment.

Grounding didn't work because it was just words spoken in anger. A two week grounding lasted a day, partly because I was a conman plus my mother didn't follow through because it was inconvenient. It just became an empty threat.

This sent the wrong message but I didn't understand this until I was forty.

My mother was very over controlling, she would continually embarrass me socially. I was claiming my independence that was becoming more and more impossible. Instead of fighting that battle I became a sneak. 

I've never wanted to be in charge, be the boss or run things. On the contrary I enjoy being invisible. Working is a necessary evil, we all need money but I never found a job that stoked my passion or that I even liked. In those days it was easy to get stuck in a meaningless job.

I loved watching movies with this sub plot: a man is accused of something he did not do but the evidence points at him, but his friend knows he is  innocent because he knew his character and trusted and his word, now to me that is a friendship. 

I was in that exact situation and who I thought was a friend but he threw me under the bus, that really hurt. Hurt enough to give up on friendship because I knew I was on my own. 

This is where the friend thing comes from. Friends or what I thought was a friendship was either controlled by me or superficial. Either way they never lasted. Little did I know what I was missing.

My world turned inward and secret, I embraced being a loaner, in fact I thrived in it. I lived in a world of "first time last time relationships", I did a post on this, link . I was in charge of me, I did what I wanted and rarely relied on others. I made okay choices but I could have used another opinion and made better choices.

I believe men grow up and grow old but somewhere inside they are always lost little boys. I learned this lost boy needed to be seen and valued. Mostly he needed someone who cared enough to tell him the truth and if needed discipline him. 

There are many ways to discipline but it must be done with love and follow through. I took the path of least resistance through life but the first time I was told the truth and held accountable to live up to my potential was life changing. 

I now seek out friendship but many people aren't worthy. I've tried way too hard and been taken for granted. I have now learned to first concentrate on being worthy of being a friend. 

Friends know my flaws, my imperfections, fears, shames and short comings but also know my character. They trust me and won't run away. 

I eventually had a few friend worthy people in my life, all of them told me the hard truth and held me accountable. They refused to be manipulated and put a hard limit on how much of my bad behavior they will tolerate.

I am proud of my choice to accept their counsel. I have been a lost soul my whole life, I needed direction and discipline. Perhaps I could have learned this in the military but that didn't happen.

I finally have one very special friend who will tell me a hard truth even though it hurts them. Wise friends like this are rare and precious.

At the end of my life I will know I was loved, loved by someone enough to inconvenience themselves. I finally understand love manifests itself in many ways. 

A friend who believes me no matter what and expects me to achieve my potential.