two hundred ninety three

Dreaming 

The memories of the endless miles still visit my dreams even years later. Usually in my daydreams but on occasion during those twilight dreams I have just before I wake. 

I don't know the location, the day, the year or even the trip. I do remember every detail of the faces, voices and smiles. The conversations, the questions and the kindness. 

There are vivid flashes of breathtaking views, smells, flavors and feelings. The night sky, sunset and sunrise. The vistas, small towns, cities, hot desert highways and morning dew. 

The smell of rain, freshly cut fields, the ocean, saw mills, dairy farms, plowed fields, BBQ and flowers. 

The food was always a sensual experience. My body craved fuel so I salivated even at the thought of Top Ramen. After a few hard hot days a cheeseburger, fries and milkshake in a diner was overwhelming. It was a time to stuff my face, I think that was also in Ecclesiastes.

The endless number of campsites are a blur but I still remember the sounds of traffic, crickets, tree frogs, coyotes, dogs, water falls, ocean waves, thunder, rain, wind and absolute silence. The rush of waking to wonder where in the hell I was and the search for coffee and a bathroom.

Motels were usually modest and sometimes sub-modest. I stayed in some sketchy places but they were castles compared to curling up under my tent rain fly behind a guard rail along a busy highway. The showers, clean sheets, fresh shave, sleeping naked, fresh coffee, waffles, eggs, bacon and sticky bun breakfasts. 

I washed my clothes and dried my tent and bedding. I recharged my phone batteries, watched a little television and repacked my bike so I could roll out early.

I got on the road early because I skipped the usual morning rituals, breaking camp, repacking my bike, finding coffee and a bathroom. Because of the early start these were usually 100 mile plus days. I also remember my celebratory half gallon of vanilla ice-cream after a big mileage day.

In spite of the sweat, dirt, body oder, aches, pains, blisters, wind and sun burn, insect bites and traffic stress. I embraced all of it, I was happy.

The road is a mistress, a strong and difficult task master. I am unable to resist its call and have realized I foolishly once thought I can control it. However the road is in charge I can only surrender to it and live in the stress of it. 

I thrive in this stress and embrace it's challenges. The road tests me to my limits and beyond. Like the sea, the highway must be respected and at times feared, and like the sailor, I can't resist it's call.

Many people find this foolishness but in the chaos of the bike lane I find serenity. 

I am rewarded with the feeling of satisfaction. I'm being led on an adventure that is way out of my comfort zone. That is the place real life happens.

On the road there are no shortcuts, I must continue on pushing my body past its limits. I have achieved things I could never imagine.  

I could go on and on about this because the memories of these bicycle journeys begin to flood in as I write. I have felt this unwavering and demanding strength only once before.

two hundred ninety two

"15 DAYS TO FLATTEN THE CURVE" 

March 18, 2020

Covid19 Virus 2020-21-22-? 

Hong Kong Virus 1969 

WOODSTOCK

 three days of peace and music

fact check

Year 2022

Year 1969

Yeah, we were the idiots..............

two hundred ninety one

 Perhaps I'm becoming and old fart now that I have turned seventy. I've written a few post about how I feel about it. I will someday, God willing reach an age where people will talk about me while I'm in the room. That happened to my father who suffered from dementia. That is a personal nightmare to me.

When I was young I witnessed other young guys at work mocking older guys because of their age. A joking environment at work is fun but these comments were mean and belittling. I saw this and reacted but these young cocky assholes lacked any self-awareness. 

Both the human and animal kingdom have the young males challenging the older males but there is more respect and honor in the animal kingdom then these children showed to their elders. 

I learned early on to value older men and women because of their experience, they had seen decades more life then me. They weren't necessarily smarter then me, but many were. They had seen and done more then me simply because they had been alive much longer. 

Some were successful and some weren't. Some were happy and some were not. Some were wise and some were old fools. I understood I could learn from the wise ones and even the fools.

I'm not claiming to be a wiseman or a fool, I am probably a bit of both. The simple truth is I have survived my recklessness, dodged large fast moving and pointy objects and survived disease for 70+ years. 

This simple fact gives me a special vantage point. I have seen more life then the most intelligent and successful young person because I was alive for as much as fifty years longer.  

Each of our life experience is different but human nature throughout the world and through history has been a constant. People from the beginning of time have been greedy, self centered, violent, hateful, jealous and cruel. 

These were the main operating values of ancient society. God then interjected the concept of right and wrong, love, compassion and forgiveness, first through the Law of Moses and finally Jesus. Society now had a new set of values to factor in.

The seventy years that I have occupied the planet has seen more technological changes than any time in history. Human nature at its core never changes but the speed and volume of communication has accelerated at a pace never seen before.....or has it?

The book of Ecclesiastes was written by King Solomon. The reference to nothing new under the sun has always intrigued me. Has there been societies before us that had advanced technology and communication? Did we travel to other worlds? Perhaps the Pyramids are evidence of things beyond our present understanding? That doesn't factor in the Pyramids we may have also built on Mars.

I know I'm beginning to be a little silly or am I? I'm realizing more and more that I only know a little. 

We have this cocky attitude in our media and leaders today. Everyone is so sure of everything. Everything is happening for the very first time so everything is "unprecedented". Every event is perceived as the best or the worst in the history of humanity.  I call them the "Chicken Little, the sky is falling media. They abuse language, skew statistics, ignore or distort even their own recent history. 

None of this is new, from the beginning there has been a play to gain power by using division, hatred and jealousy. Any small event, natural disaster, any transgression or flaw in a fellow human being can be exploited. The one constant is their superior attitudes, false compassion and self righteous judgments. 

These words ring true, "What has been will be again and what has been done will be done again". 

The one slight super power I have is that I don't forget what someone said or did. I have trouble with names and numbers but I remember most details of conversations and events.

Humans have short memories we need constant reminders of our mission, values and history. Statues, memorials, songs and pledges help us remember what happened before and after, were and how it happen, who did it and why they did it.

The effort to erase or rewrite our history is a conscious effort to divide and deceive us. I represent a threat because I was around when these things happened and remember the what, who and why about our history.

The truth of these words is directed to the need to understand and remember our history.

I could write volumes of examples but this is a natural motivation to gain control and power. The basic yearning or temptation that began in the Garden of Eden. Man from the beginning has yearned to be God.

Building bridges or destroying them, unifying or dividing, stirring hatred or sewing peace, these are the real questions.

I accept these words. "There is nothing new under the sun". Now I look at the fruit produced to find my way to what is true. Yes it is that simple.

Watch the news, listen to a speech or watch what they do, then shove everything through this filter; are they dividing or healing? 

They all claim to heal, they claim to know history and they claim superior thoughts, morals and knowledge, but they can't hide their real motives.........if you just take the time to look clearly.

These words are available to everyone, I have been fortunate to find them. My lower base nature is always in play but by God's grace I have been blessed and guided into this truth. I must push my own thoughts, motives and actions through this same filter. 

The questions I am guided and judged by are; am I dividing or healing, am I promoting violence or peace, am I spreading hatred or love?

two hundred ninety

 PASSION

PASSION.....that thing that makes you skip a meal, deprive yourself of sleep, endure discomfort and ignore primal cravings including sexual pleasure. Some find this in their work, hobbies, devotion to others or a soul feeding cause.

I have experienced this passion only a few times in my life. I believe finding and living this passion is vital to being fully human. 

There are very few of us who find our passions and fully live them. They are sometimes clear and defined but other times they are hidden and unfocused.

The pursuit of fame, wealth and power are not my passion, that is very clear. Serving the needs of others has produced the deepest and most fulfilling segments of my life.

At 70 I have been struggling to find that passion again. I do not work now so my days are an endless spiral of unfocused energy and thoughts. Finding a new passion is vital for my longterm survival.

It is winter in Oregon so the bicycle is out. Joining a gym, learning to fish, backpacking and hiking are on my list. TV, eating and enjoying my parrots just isn't enough.

This post isn't full of insight or wisdom. It is just me admitting I am stuck.........

two hundred eighty nine

I thought ADHD is just an excuse for being undisciplined and stupid.....

I doubt you can understand how difficult it is for me to create one of these posts. I start then stop, I walk away for hours or days, I delete everything and start over again and again. I post then I endlessly tweak, I mean endlessly. Like I have said before I have focus issues but I always thought ADHD was just an excuse.

This morning I watched this video about ADHD (link) I rarely look at anything like this because I refuse to admit I have a weakness and God forbid a handicap. 

The doctor described my life in such detail it really disturbed me. I understand now how this condition has limited me throughout my life.

Focus is only a small part of it, the overwhelming emotions, feelings of insecurity, compulsive behavior and compulsive thoughts where things I did not associate with this disorder.

The constant flashes of distractions, the inability to follow through and the endless list of half finished projects have been a source of shame, embarrassment and frustration.

I get stuck on things, physically, mentally and emotionally. I can have flashes of rage that I have successfully over the years suppressed. 

When I was younger I punched walls, car fenders and threw plenty of tools. I have a fifty two stitch scar on my right hand from punching a window. 

I finally got tired of fixing walls and windows plus I was running low on tools. I rarely feel that flash of rage, in fact I can say it only visits once or twice a decade. 

I feel like I have been wondering through my life attempting to find that one place that fits. Years of deep depression were simply survived. I made some bad choices as to how to survive, but those almost killed me. 

I have made no secret of my sobriety and do not blame my behavior on this condition but it was a self medicating part of my journey.

I have wrestled with this alone for most of my life. I have had some victories but mostly I have just learned to live with it.

He described that in spite of this condition I can focus like a laser on the things that I have a passion for.

It is obvious long distance bicycle touring is one of them. I have trouble enjoying a short training ride, I have too many distractions and get bored very quickly. Really Big Circles is more than just the name of my blog it is how I can stay focused for a day, week or month. The thousands of miles from home with only my whits and a bicycle put me in that crisis survival mode. This is where I can live in that clear focus mode for months.

Early in my life I had other passions, falling in love, building a home, my family, running and rebuilding tractors. Even then I was scattered skipping from one thing to another. I know I drove the people around me crazy. I had no real focus or clear direction. 

Finally one subject that drove me was the study of the Bible and the exploration of my faith. I cannot read technical manuals, boring history or silly novels. Erotic books could not hold my interest for more than a short time. I did however spend years exploring and researching the Bible because I had a passion for truth and understanding. That is the most life changing and rewarding experience of my life. I still have passion for my faith but I have lost some of the drive to study.

After years of drifting AA meetings and the step work took over my life for several years and I did retain a passion for meetings and helping others. 

I turn hobbies like board games, cards and video games into a contact sport. Organized team sports, golf, fishing, hunting and group riding have never captured my interest because of the social interaction or lack of real danger.

I love edge play, danger, risk and recklessness. I did things like this alone and in private. I feed on the fear to pump up the adrenaline, a drug I lived on for most of my life. Fast cars and motorcycles almost killed me many times.  

One safe and focused place was finding someone I trusted to pour my life and energy into fully. I have taken as many risks with my heart as I have with my body.

The picture of my brother and a much smaller version of me reminds me of how whatever my brother asked me to do I would do no matter what it was. I followed him around like a puppy dog. I adored my big brother and would follow his lead anywhere. 

I did this until the night I got sprayed in the face by a skunk. I had put expectations on him that he wasn't aware of so it was unfair to hold him to them. He could at times be an ass but tables turned I might have done the same, we were kids.

One night I was invited to help check his trap line. This was a very special night. We got to an abandoned fox den occupied by a mother skunk. She was in one or more of his foot traps and she was very pissed off. He handed me a flashlight and a hammer and said, "crawl down in there and get my traps". 

I was willing to do anything to win his approval. As I was head first up to my waist in the hole, I learned the mother skunk had a different idea. After temporary blindness and a tomato juice bath I learned not to blindly trust anyone, not even my big brother.

My own Father who I suspect struggled with similar focus issues was a great Dad but he was distant. My Mother was loving but lacked the understanding of boundaries. They both did the best they could.

I guess you could call wanting to completely aline myself to another person codependent and in a way it probably is. I make a distinction based on whether the one I trust completely is looking after my best interest. I don't think that dynamic is right or wrong it just fits me.

On my own I struggle with just about every day to day thing, without a source of focus I am adrift without a rudder. If I find someone trustworthy whatever they say or even suggest I am focus like a laser to do whatever it is.

I will pour myself into this completely, I will take it to the next level. I will do whatever it takes I'll skip a meal, lose sleep, endure discomfort and endure just about anything to finish my task.

That simple look of approval is all I require. Finding that person is rare, some fine it in their football coach, drill Sergeant, teacher, friend, sponsor or significant other.

Fitting in this world alone is hard enough without this condition so putting myself out there to find that perfect person does have its ups and downs. 

I have risked my heart completely and yes I have been foolish, I've been disappointed and I've been manipulated. I have had my heart broken and my soul crushed, but I have no regrets because I have also found that perfect fit. 

I found that one moment in my life I was completely alive, focused and safe. I could accomplish amazing things.

I have learned not to put expectations or responsibilities on another person, that would not be fair. I accept full responsibility for my own happiness and failures, it is my choice to follow another persons direction. 

I can't hold anything back, loving without a net may be fool hearty but without living life with my whole body, mind and heart, what would be the point. The risk is real but the rewards take me to a place where I can finally feel complete. This sounds like a hopeless romantic train wreck way of living but that is how I have found the most fulfilling moments of my life. 

I most likely have this disorder, but living life close to the edge is where I need to be. I have gained some wisdom from mistakes but I haven't been conditioned to hide from life. 

I have the brain I have and my own mind, body and soul to risk. Choices and consequences is a world we all live in, I refuse to hide one more day of my life to avoid discomfort. Being safe has its rewards but I have survives so far and still long to see beyond the next corner and over the next mountain.

two hundred eighty eight

VIDEO LINK

(notice how we cool were back then)

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time of love, a time of hate

A time of war, a time of peace

A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose

A time to rend, a time to sew

A time for love, a time for hate

A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

The Byrds, a rock band from the sixties wrote these words. Turn Turn Turn was one of their biggest hits. 

I was surprised when I discovered these words were almost word for word from the Bible. This led me to read the entire book of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 in the Old Testament. 

These words and the logic of this book made so much sense they changed how I perceived the world. A time for everything and everything in its' time, kind of a Yin and a Yang thing. Lucky for the Byrds God isn't into suing for plagiarism.

I started to look at life this way way before I thought much about God. In those days I thought religion was something really gullible square people believed. Being good was simply paying the the premium for eternal fire insurance. Yeah, a pretty pathetic rationalization.

This led me to explore more of the Bible but this is where it all started. I found this principle later in life clarified in a simple prayer, the serenity prayer.

We give most of our attention to the Roman numerals on the front of an AA chip because it signifies the length of time we have abstained from alcohol. The back of every chip has the Serenity Prayer. This simple prayer captures the idea of a time for everything.

There are things I can't change and there are things I can. Living in linear time is a bitch, we can't see tomorrow and we can't change the past. All we can do is live as fully as possible in the moment we are in.

If I'm at work, I work. If I'm on vacation, I relax. If I am in bed, I sleep and so on. What I have drawn from this is we only have now. We can remember the moments before now and imagine, hope or fear the moments after now. 

We have no control over tomorrow, the only thing we do have any control over is now, but even that control is fleeting. Choices like yes or no, start or stop, up or down, in or out and right or left are physical choices. Physical choices are things I can do with my physical 3D person. 

 Emotional choices are much more elusive. My thoughts and emotions are not like moving a pile of physical rocks from one place to another. Thinking on these things has been a life long struggle for me. I found these rock n roll lyrics a great help. 

I realized I could not live in more than one moment and feel life fully. A constant state of looking backwards or forwards limited my ability to be present. The dark days of my addiction caused me to miss now completely and separate myself from feeling life altogether.

After years of sobriety I finally learned to see, hear and feel the very moment I am in. I don't always live there but I know how to get there. My life is an endless series of choices now.

Am I in the moment doing the next right thing as fully as I can? Am I enjoying or experiencing even the smallest things like the smell of my morning coffee, the beauty of new snow or the warmth of a hug or handshake?

A time for everything and everything in it's time, sounds simple doesn't it? A moving target to say the least but a worthy goal to live every moment of life as fully as possible.

I apologize this post is a bit rambling. I think about this every day, I guess that is what it is like living life without control. I have finally accepted the fact that I control very little beyond my own choices and I have grown to trust the one who truly is in control. That is a good thing, but sometimes I forget......a little.

I do have places to remind me like the seat of my bicycle but lately I have friends to remind me. I guess that is where I get "the wisdom to know the difference".

two hundred eighty seven

A quote from Jack Welch, a successful business man. 

I'm not as familiar with his quotes as I am Joe Walsh quotes but this fits my story.

Like the rest of the human race I hate change. I have discovered at 70 years of age it seems to become ever more disturbing. 

I'm retired but not as financially secure as I would like. I have enough to pay my bills but disposable money for travel, toys and helping others is important. 

I have a commercial drivers license for driving buses and trucks. Lately I have been driving a daily 300 mile round trip from Bend Oregon to Eugene Oregon.

Bend is 3650 feet above sea level and surrounded by snow capped mountains. Every trip to a major city requires a trip through a snow covered pass.

I took route 58 to Eugene and back. This route is filled with mountain curves and elevation changes. Most of the year this route is actually fun to drive. These large buses can be driven smoothly without jostling a sleeping passenger. 

This requires strategic braking and minimal steering input. Like a race car driver looks for that perfect lap, I try to have a perfect run. No leaning, smooth braking and as few bumps as possible. 

In the winter months the curves can be unpredictable. It can be 40 degrees in Bend and be 15 degrees in the mountains. Each mile requires my full focus because with these changing conditions any moisture can turn to ice at any moment. 

I'm a very cautious and skilled driver so driving in hazardous conditions didn't worry me. The problem is my vision has begun to change. I had a condition in my 50's that damaged my retinas that resulted in years later double vision. 

This was successfully corrected with glasses for many years. In the past six months I have had brief moments that told me I needed a new prescription. I found a specialist and spent a fortune on new glasses but my eyes had reached a point that I can't take a risk driving large vehicles through snow covered mountain passes with a load of passengers. 

My eyes are perfect for an eight hour run but the second and third days I begin to struggle. "Change before you have to." came to mind. If something ever happened because of my bullheaded pride I could never forgive myself.

I love driving big vehicles and enjoy passengers. Some regulars called me "mister smooth" and one lady said I was "efficient" instead of saying I speed. My goal is; don't scare them or make them sick and get them safely to their connections on time.

The bullheaded part of me is still focused on bicycle touring again but driving busses and trucks are now a thing of the past. I love transportation and interacting with people but I think I'll try something local. For now I'm going to hunker down enjoy the holidays and wait out the bad weather.

Change sucks but being made to change is much much much worse. Like I have said in previous posts I'm sober 31 years. I would not have made it 31 days if I was being told or forced however I did find it tolerable to take suggestions, I think it is something connected to my pride.

I can't leave without a Joe Walsh quote......

two hundred eighty six

FRANKIE

This is my coffee addict parrot. She is five years old and very very attached to me. In fact she is like a crazy jealous girl friend.

two hundred eighty five

  

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times....."Charles Dickens

I was in the grocery business for about forty years. I have seen first hand the stress of shoppers as they plan that perfect holiday family event. 

The meal will be perfect, the children will be cute, grateful and well behaved. No arguments about religion or politics. The only conversations are about fun family memories, love for one another and gratitude for being together in this special season. 

No off handed comments, dirty looks, sarcastic remarks or cold shoulders. The weather will be perfect, planes will arrive on time, traffic will be light and the Cowboys/Lions game will actually be exciting. 

Aunt Milly won't fart and talk about her cats and Uncle Billy won't play with the children too much or get too drunk. 

Odds are that is NOT going to happen. All of the perfect families are in sitcoms, commercials and movies made before 1960. These families are  not real but they do tap into a very basic desire for belonging.

The media has cashed in on this by producing Cheers, Friends, Big Bang Theory, Modern Family, The Simpsons and my all time favorite Malcom In The Middle (I'm Reese). The characters are an odd dysfunctional bunch but all of these plus fifty more are designed to draw on our yearning to belong to some sort of family or group.

Malcom In The Middle

This theme has been around for a very long time. Today however it is popular to tear down these families to make them as messed up and divided as we are.

You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends. Even this approach has a basis in fantasy. Humans are complicated individuals, they do not mold their personalities and behavior to our will. All groups have the dynamics of barn yard animals, children on the school yard or drunks in a bar.

A big family has limited privacy, endless expectations, unsolicited judgments and are always in your business. On the other hand you belong for better or worse. 

The Big Fat Greek Wedding

This can be as basic as strength in numbers, a place to go if things go bad, siblings to pick on you and protect you. You have an identity, roots, a name and stability. There are however families so toxic that the negatives out weigh the benefits.

You can avoid the stress of an intrusive family by being a loner. This has the benefits of freedom. No one is in your business, you are free of demands for your time and you have the freedom to do whatever you want. 

This works well most of the year but when the holidays come around the media is relentless in making us feel like freaks if we don't have a perfect family experience.

The music, sitcoms, holiday specials, decorations and endless marketing. Early Black Friday shopping on Thanksgiving day. The neighborhood peer pressure to put up a tree and cover the house with the latest toxic plastic blinking decorations from China via Walmart.

Sometime during this we have a weak moment to question our choices.  Should I have a family around me or spend the day eating junk food binge watching a Twilight Zone marathon while fondling my holiday balls.

I am that loner and yes I have the same pangs of heart ache but year after year I have expanded my circle. Perhaps one day I'll have that perfect holiday experience but until then I'm happy doing what I do.

I have some money for food, a warm place to sleep and I'm not wanted by the police, life is good. I learned that on my bicycle.

Another thing I learned is to say yes when I am invited. When people invite me into their home I feel honored to be part of this special time.

two hundred eighty four

THE PROS AND CONS OF TRAVELING ALONE

The tandem bike in the picture looks like absolute touring hell to me. I have traveled and camped with tandem riders it does have many advantages but not for me.

I have been trying to find a like minded companion to share my next adventure. I have contacted a few but nothing more then light conversation. I hate to admit for safety alone it is a smart thing to do. 

The one Pro of traveling alone is the absolute freedom to do anything I want. I can ride less or more, camp or get a cheap motel, cook my own food or eat in a restaurant but mostly I can change my plans anytime I want. 

The theme of my style of traveling is "Wherever I end up I guess". I build my rig to deal with just about anything. Heat, cold or rain, enough food for three days, two gallons of water plus a filter and a tent, bedding and clothing to deal with any condition. 

Electronics and battery power for a full week of off grid entertainment, communication and emergencies.  I have tools for bike repair, three extra tubes and enough parts to repair my bike and gear. 

I'm completely self contained to stay comfortably off grid for at least three days until I need more food or water. After that I have a good water filter and at least five emergency dehydrated meals. I can stay in touch and send for help from anywhere on the planet with my InReach satellite communicator. 

I love being off of the beaten path. The main bike touring routes up and down the coast lines are not crowded but you see a fellow rider a few times a week. I love camping with a group of fellow nomads but the loner heart beats strong inside me so I rarely travel with a group for more than a day or two.

The bottom line is I go at my own pace, stop and start when I want and follow any twist or turn of the adventure. If I visit a friend I can stay or go depending on how welcome I feel. I don't get lonely or bored, I'm social with strangers and love taking any side adventure that comes along. 

The Cons of traveling alone is not having someone to watch my rig while I'm shopping or taking a long relaxed visit to a public bathroom.  I don't have an extra set of eyes or hands. Strength in numbers can help  not looking like a victim. The idea of one older man traveling alone doesn't concern me physically but health issues are a reality to be aware of.

I have talked with several father and son travelers. I didn't have that opportunity but that would be amazing.

I am chief cook and clean up. I set up my own camp, cook what I like, break camp and repack my gear exactly the way I like it. When I'm in the traveling mode that is what makes me happy. I have no problem helping but my stuff is my stuff.

An extra set of eyes and ears is nice but an extra mind is both good and annoying. A second opinion is nice if I have the first opinion. I'm easy to get along with but the very nature of solo touring is the absolute freedom.

The appeal is possibly the total lack of responsibility to and for others. I was a manager for several decades. I was responsible for managing the people under my charge.  

They were required to perform specific duties and I was responsible to hold them accountable. I was constantly slave to code dates, schematics, ordering, scheduling, customer complaints and profitability. It was not an overwhelming job and at times I miss it but it always controlled a part of my thoughts, on or off duty. 

I am by nature a go with the flow kind of guy. I have a management personality and an off work personality. Off duty I can dig my heels in to get what I want but what I eat, what I watch, where I go or what I do is a low priority. I will defer to others if it is important to them. I am not a wimp it just doesn't matter.

I have learned to take on my share of responsibility in these decisions. It isn't fair to put the burden of making all of the decisions on another person. I actually do not care or complain about everyday things. I don't pout or make passive aggressive comments. Ninety percent of everyday things are not a hill to die on.

Over time if I do have a specific choice people that know me and know how strong willed I actually am will understand that whatever it is is very important to me. I do not do this often so people pay attention.

Choosing a traveling companion is a bit different. These things matter when I am in full nomad mode. When I am in this mode what I do is very important to me. 

I am free to explore, take my time or hammer until I'm totally exhausted. I don't want a sherpa or passive person and certainly not a bully or a smart ass passive aggressive winer. I have searched for a fellow loner to travel with for safety. I'm not sure how that will work but I put it out there. 

In my life I have only found one person I fit perfectly, this is incredibly rare but they don't have any interest in touring. Sometimes opposite natures fit together so perfectly there is very little space. I'm very strong willed so bending my nature to make another worthy person's life easier takes someone very special.

I want to find someone who is likeminded. Keeping that freedom and enhancing safety is the trick. I believe it is a workable thing. I believe two able bodied nomads who can be just fine on their own can find a workable arrangement. 

I'll continue my search I'm sure there are others searching for something similar.

two hundred eighty three

THE "LIGHTENING BUGS" OF OHIO

 I was born in Eastern Ohio, in a small industrial town surrounded by small dairy farms, pastures, woods, ponds, lakes and meandering creeks. The mosquitos and flies were horrendous but I didn't know how bad they were until I moved to the desert southwest. 

We had very unpredictable weather because of the Great Lakes. Winters could be harsh or mild depending on the length of fir on the Wooly Worms acording to the Farmer's Almanac.

The mood of the jet stream had much more to do with it. If the Jet Stream flowed north of the Great Lakes winter was usually mild with little snow and no ice on the ponds and lakes. If it flowed south of the Great Lakes, Arctic cold air masses would line up to invade our state and give us six feet of winter snow and double digit below zero temperatures. 

This constant freeze and thaw created some of the largest pot holes in the country. A hard winter would reduce the insect population but a mild winter would give them an early start and a bad bug season. 

A few weeks each summer there is a bright spot we had what we called Lightening Bugs. You can find a few of them all summer but a couple of weeks in the middle of the summer they would fill the fields, parks and backyards. 

On those endless summer nights we would brave the mosquitos until they went to sleep and the air was filled with these surreal creatures. Children are fascinated by them and are compelled to catch as many as they can. They aren't actually flies they are beetles. There are many types of Fireflies, all I know about are the ones in Ohio. 

Our parents would call us in for the night but we were under the spell of the moment and ignored their threats. They would soon come out to scold us and realize it was lightening bug night. This was a wildcard moment and they would stop everything and sometimes join in or sit on the porch watching until we were all exhausted.

This is a stock picture, the boy is much cleaner then I remember ever being. All summer I was coated in dirt, tanned, scraped and bruised. I had to be threatened to wear shoes or a shirt. 

We played army, Tarzan and baseball. We drank from the garden hose, caught frogs, crawfish and snakes in the local creek. We had rock fights, explored the city sewer system and as boys we were fascinated with peeing.

In fact this was the penalty for the loser of our epic baseball games. We had arguments and fist fights over almost every call, balls, strikes, safe or out and foul or fare. At the end the victor got to pee on the loser that also ended in a fist fight.

I am covered with scars today that bring back childhood memories. The firefly nights were a pleasant moment of harmony that effected everyone. I actually saw my older brother and his bully friends join in in catching a few. They tried to maintain their cool but you could see the kid in their eyes and smiles.

If you ever get a chance to be in the right place at the right time to feel the magic of these mystical creatures, stop everything and see them. You could even leave your cool behind and look at them through the eyes of a child.

two hundred eighty two

ALWAYS WEAR CLEAN UNDERWEAR

It's always a good idea to be ready for emergencies. I'm 70 now and I need to be smart about my health and wellbeing. The loner Marlboro man lifestyle I mimicked most of my life was fine when I was young, reckless and bullet proof. 

My favorite Clint Eastwood line was "A man must know his limitations". Over the years this line has saved my life. I actually stop and think before I do something stupid. I'm not saying I won't do it but I do first think about it. 

I love being in the middle of nowhere making my way through wind, rain, heat, long stretches of empty desert, high snow covered mountain passes or endless farmland. 

In the beginning I had a flip phone with extra batteries, a paper map and compass. My gear was less than basic, I got wet, cold and blisters. 

There was as much as a week that I was out of cell range. I rode through the worst neighborhoods, slept in a few scary spots and I'm pretty sure I camped with a few felons.

I'm not afraid but I am a little wiser. Most of my life I have had a romance with danger particularly anything that pumped up my adrenaline. 

Having an ID and contact info is just common sense. Finding me unconscious or worse is just something to be aware of.

The simple cross is a reminder I have never been alone. That night at the church March 31 1980, everything changed. There is no power in a piece of jewelry but it is a constant reminder of my place.

Jude 24 my favorite verse for comfort.

"To him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy—"

In spite of myself I am loved and valued.

The other symbol is for Alcoholics Anonymous, on August 5 1990 I got sober. I now have family anywhere I go. The meetings I have found all over America were very soothing, I was amongst fellow survivors. 

Yes if you do the math I drank a few dark years with Jesus at my side. I now know I was never abandoned in spite of my behavior. The comfort of knowing this is everything. 

I work the steps of AA, go to meetings and help other alcoholics. I also keep the lines of communication open with God no matter what.

My actions always change my attitude both good and bad.

This is not my usual light hearted post but I felt it necessary to reveal more about myself.